Category Archives: puns / word play

What do you call…

What do you call a man with 10 rabbits up his bum?Warren. What do you call two Canadian lesbians in a canoe?Fur traders. What do you call a lesbian from Alaska?Klondike. What do you call an exhausted bear?Winnie the Pooped! What do you call an independently wealthy woman in Texas?A divorcee. What do you call an intelligent man in the United States?A tourist. What do you call Bob the Mailman after he gets fired?Bob. What do you call boobs on a Girl Scout?Brownie points. What do you call Bob the Mailman after he gets fired?Bob. What do you call boobs on a Girl Scout?Brownie points. What do you call a prostitute who works in Chicago and New York? The tail of two cities. What do you call an Irish homosexual?Gay-lick. What do you call an Italian with an IQ of 180?Sicily. What do you call an obsession with fabric softener?Downey syndrome. What do you call an obsession with goose feathers?Down syndrome. What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand?Trapper John What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby?A girl. What do you call an unbelievable story about a basketball player? A tall tale. What do you call a fish without any eyes?FSH What do you call a bear with no ears?B!

Boll Weevil

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Frog goes for a loan

A frog went to get a loan at a bank.The loan officer’s name was Ms. Patty Stack. When the frog told Ms. Stack that he wanted a loan, she asked if he had colateral.He showed her something that, to her, looked like a marbel and said “this is what I have for colateral”.She took it to the bank president and said “there’s a frog out there who wants a loan, and this is what he has for colateral (showing him the marbel)”.She said “do you know what this is, and should I give him the loan”? The bank president said “why, that’s a nic nac, Patty Stack; give that frog a loan”.

Party in the kingdom

In a kingdom far far away, and a long long time ago, a party was being given. To this party the king had invited everyone in the kingdom to his castle. And everyone was having a grand time. The wine was flowing, the tables were overflowing with food, and the dancing was beautiful.Suddenly, out of thin air a gnarled old man appeared out of thin air. His hands clutched in tight fists by his body, smoke streaming from his shoulders, he walked up to the king and said, “How dare you have a party and not invite your own court wizard! For this insult I curse this castle with the dreaded Curse of the Fingers. Anyone who attempts to leave here will be rendered limb from limb by huge disembodied fingers!”The wizard waved his bony arms about and shouted in a guttural foreign language. “There!”, he said and vanished.All at once, the people of the kingdom looked to their king. What would he do? How could he save them. The king pursed his lips and looked about him. Finally, he turned to his knights and asked for a volunteer to ride to the next kingdom and plead with their wizard to remove the curse. Of course all of the knights wished to go. The king selected the knight with the greatest seniority and sent him on his way.The knight gathered up all his weapons, put on his best suit of armour and headed out. As soon as his foot stepped off of the drawbridge, gigantic yellow fingers appeared from nowhere and ripped him limb from limb.One after another, each knight attempted to ride out of the castle, each one in turn was ripped to shreds. Finally, no knights were left.The king looked about him. “Is there anyone else who would brave this curse and rescue us from this horrible curse?”, he said.”I will, sir!”, said a small boy who had been serving one of the knights before he died.The small boy packed up his belongings and provisions for the journey. Since he was a poor serving boy, and had no horse, he knew he would have to walk. But he was determined to succeed. As soon as he crossed the drawbridge, the yellow fingers appeared and tried to rip him apart. They couldn’t! Each time the tried to grab him, the boy wriggled free and continued on his journey!Several days later, the boy was back at the castle with the neighbouring kingdom’s wizard. The king was overjoyed to have the curse lifted and he called the boy to him. “How did you escape from those monstrous fingers? All my knights couldn’t get past them and they were killed. How could you do it?”The boy looked up at the king and replied, “Your majesty, it occurred to me as the last knight was being killed that the only way to escape this curse was to LET YOUR PAIGES DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW FINGERS.”

Jewish anthropologist

A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? “A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.”

The eyes have it

A man who lived in a block of flats thought it was raining and put his hand out of the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a woman looking down, screaming.’Is this yours?’ he shouted up.She said, ‘Yes, that’s my eye! I’m so sorry! Could you please bring it up?’ The man agreed and went up.On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, ‘I’m about to have dinner. There’s plenty; would you like to join me?’He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the girl said, ‘I have had a marvelous evening, would you like to stay the night?’The man hesitated then said, ‘Do you act like this with every man you meet?”No,’ she replied, ‘Only those who catch my eye!’