Category Archives: puns / word play

“Doing it” by profession

Accountants do it with Double EntryAcupuncturists do it with a small prickAmbulance drivers come quickerAustralians do it Down UnderBankers do it with interestBartenders do it on the RocksChess players check their MatesCops do it with cuffsDJs do it on requestDeep-sea divers do it under extreme pressureDentists do it orallyDetectives do it under coverDon’t do it with Bankers, most of them are TellersFiremen do it with a big hoseFrank Sinatra does it his wayGarbagemen come twice a weekGardeners do it in the bushesGas attendants pump all dayHousewives do it for an allowanceJockeys gallop hard and finish fastLandlords do it the 1st of every monthMountain climbers like to be on topMilitary do it on command!Pianists touch, tickle, and titilate!Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it’s freeTruckers do it in the roadTravel agents do it in lots of different placesWaiters and waitresses do it for tipsWatch out for tennis players – love means nothing to them!

Feel Like A Teepee

“Doc, I don’t understand what’s going on with me. It’s really strange, sometimes I feel like a teepee.”

The doctor thinks about it for a while and then urges the man to continue.

So, the man continues, “And sometimes I feel like a wigwam.”

To which the doctor says, “I wouldn’t worry about it, Fred, you’re just two tents.” (tense 🙂

Lone Ranger and Tonto…

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
“Who owns the big white horse outside?”
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, “I do. Why?”

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.”

Tonto said, “Sure Kemosabe”, and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
“Who owns that big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, “I do. What is wrong with him this time?”

The cowboy says to him, “Nothing much, I just wanted you to know –
you left your Injun running…”

Tree Talk

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them.

The beech says to the birch: “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.

The birch says “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.”

Bubbles

A duck walked into a courthouse.
“What is your name and what are you here for?” asked the judge.
“My name is Quack, and I am here for blowing bubbles in the
pond,” replied the duck.
“Take a seat,” said the judge.
Then another duck came in. The judge asked it the same question,
and the second duck replied, “My name is QuackQuack, and I am
here for blowing bubbles in the pond”.
“Take a seat,” said the judge.
Then yet another duck came in.
“Let me guess,”said the judge.”Your name is QuackQuackQuack and
you’re here for blowing bubbles in the pond.”
“No,”said the third duck.”I’m Bubbles”

What do you call…

What do you call a man with 10 rabbits up his bum?Warren. What do you call two Canadian lesbians in a canoe?Fur traders. What do you call a lesbian from Alaska?Klondike. What do you call an exhausted bear?Winnie the Pooped! What do you call an independently wealthy woman in Texas?A divorcee. What do you call an intelligent man in the United States?A tourist. What do you call Bob the Mailman after he gets fired?Bob. What do you call boobs on a Girl Scout?Brownie points. What do you call Bob the Mailman after he gets fired?Bob. What do you call boobs on a Girl Scout?Brownie points. What do you call a prostitute who works in Chicago and New York? The tail of two cities. What do you call an Irish homosexual?Gay-lick. What do you call an Italian with an IQ of 180?Sicily. What do you call an obsession with fabric softener?Downey syndrome. What do you call an obsession with goose feathers?Down syndrome. What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand?Trapper John What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby?A girl. What do you call an unbelievable story about a basketball player? A tall tale. What do you call a fish without any eyes?FSH What do you call a bear with no ears?B!

Boll Weevil

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Frog goes for a loan

A frog went to get a loan at a bank.The loan officer’s name was Ms. Patty Stack. When the frog told Ms. Stack that he wanted a loan, she asked if he had colateral.He showed her something that, to her, looked like a marbel and said “this is what I have for colateral”.She took it to the bank president and said “there’s a frog out there who wants a loan, and this is what he has for colateral (showing him the marbel)”.She said “do you know what this is, and should I give him the loan”? The bank president said “why, that’s a nic nac, Patty Stack; give that frog a loan”.