What do you call a demand from a vegitable?
What do you call a demand from a vegitable?
Scoutmaster: Tenderfoot, how did you get that black eye?
Tenderfoot: Sir, I was hit by a guided muscle with a knucklear warhead!
In a kingdom far far away, and a long long time ago, a party was being given. To this party the king had invited everyone in the kingdom to his castle. And everyone was having a grand time. The wine was flowing, the tables were overflowing with food, and the dancing was beautiful.Suddenly, out of thin air a gnarled old man appeared out of thin air. His hands clutched in tight fists by his body, smoke streaming from his shoulders, he walked up to the king and said, “How dare you have a party and not invite your own court wizard! For this insult I curse this castle with the dreaded Curse of the Fingers. Anyone who attempts to leave here will be rendered limb from limb by huge disembodied fingers!”The wizard waved his bony arms about and shouted in a guttural foreign language. “There!”, he said and vanished.All at once, the people of the kingdom looked to their king. What would he do? How could he save them. The king pursed his lips and looked about him. Finally, he turned to his knights and asked for a volunteer to ride to the next kingdom and plead with their wizard to remove the curse. Of course all of the knights wished to go. The king selected the knight with the greatest seniority and sent him on his way.The knight gathered up all his weapons, put on his best suit of armour and headed out. As soon as his foot stepped off of the drawbridge, gigantic yellow fingers appeared from nowhere and ripped him limb from limb.One after another, each knight attempted to ride out of the castle, each one in turn was ripped to shreds. Finally, no knights were left.The king looked about him. “Is there anyone else who would brave this curse and rescue us from this horrible curse?”, he said.”I will, sir!”, said a small boy who had been serving one of the knights before he died.The small boy packed up his belongings and provisions for the journey. Since he was a poor serving boy, and had no horse, he knew he would have to walk. But he was determined to succeed. As soon as he crossed the drawbridge, the yellow fingers appeared and tried to rip him apart. They couldn’t! Each time the tried to grab him, the boy wriggled free and continued on his journey!Several days later, the boy was back at the castle with the neighbouring kingdom’s wizard. The king was overjoyed to have the curse lifted and he called the boy to him. “How did you escape from those monstrous fingers? All my knights couldn’t get past them and they were killed. How could you do it?”The boy looked up at the king and replied, “Your majesty, it occurred to me as the last knight was being killed that the only way to escape this curse was to LET YOUR PAIGES DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW FINGERS.”
Oh sorry, i thought that was a braille name tag u had on!
A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? “A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.”
Teacher:Tell me, when was the great depression?
Student:That was when I got my last report card.
A man who lived in a block of flats thought it was raining and put his hand out of the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a woman looking down, screaming.’Is this yours?’ he shouted up.She said, ‘Yes, that’s my eye! I’m so sorry! Could you please bring it up?’ The man agreed and went up.On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, ‘I’m about to have dinner. There’s plenty; would you like to join me?’He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the girl said, ‘I have had a marvelous evening, would you like to stay the night?’The man hesitated then said, ‘Do you act like this with every man you meet?”No,’ she replied, ‘Only those who catch my eye!’
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner–Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. “Mother Potato?” she said. “I have an announcement to make.” “And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes. “Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!” The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?” “I’m marrying a Russet!” “A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother? I, too, have an announcement.” “And what might that be?” encouraged Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!” “You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?” “I’m marrying an Idaho!” beamed the middle daughter. “An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. “Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.” “Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation. “Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, “I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!” “Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?” “I’m marrying Peter Jennings!” “Peter Jennings?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”
This guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits drinking, he notices a peanut jump out of the dish before him. The peanut proceeds to talk, ‘hey there buddy,’ it hollers, ‘you’re looking mighty fine tonight!’
The guy can’t believe what he is seeing. ‘This sure is some strong beer!’ He thinks to himself before getting up to go to the toilet. On his way back to the bar, the guy walks past a cigarette machine which appears to speak ,’hey asshole, go screw yourself!’ it yells.
The guy can’t believe it and decides to ask the bartender what’s going on. ‘Hey bartender, I swear to god that one of those peanuts over there just started a conversation with me and on the way back from the men’s room, your cigarette machine just swore at me.’
‘Let me explain,’ replies the bartender ‘the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order.’
Out far away in the himalayas there was a small village that was constantly terrified by this terrible monster named the medecrin.The medicrin would come down to the village once a week and eat one of the villagers. Now, as you would guess, the population of the village decreased greatly after a few months of this, so, the chief of the village called forth the greatest hunter he could get and told him to hunt down and kill the medicrin.So, after much talk, the hunter finally agreed to kill the medicrine. But the hunter, being smart, decided he would have to trap the monster to kill it, figuring he would get eaten if he faced it head on.So he looked in his himalayan monster field book and found out that medicrins like sugar, so he ordered all the villagers to dig a deep hole and fill it with all the sugar in the village.Later that week, the medicrine came down to the village. When it went after it`s usual meal, it saw the pit of sugar, looked at it a moment, and then went after another villager.After the medicrin left, the chief called up the great hunter, and scolded the hunter for failing, but the hunter convinced the chief to give him another chance, and the chief agreed.The next day, the hunter looked back to his himalayan monster field book and found that medicrins like loons even more than sugar.So the great hunter went out, caught a loon, and placed it in the pit with the sugar. Now, it turns out that loons like sugar even more than medicrins, so the loon ate up all the sugar. So, a few days later the medicrine returned on time for it`s villager feast.But, as it was heading for the village, the medicrin saw the pit with the loon. The medicrin imediatly became hungry for loon, so it climbed down into the pit and at the loon. But, as soon as it finished the loon off, it fell over, deader than a doornail.The moral of the story? A loon full of sugar helps the medecrin go down.