Category Archives: puns / word play

Jewish anthropologist

A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? “A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.”

The eyes have it

A man who lived in a block of flats thought it was raining and put his hand out of the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a woman looking down, screaming.’Is this yours?’ he shouted up.She said, ‘Yes, that’s my eye! I’m so sorry! Could you please bring it up?’ The man agreed and went up.On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, ‘I’m about to have dinner. There’s plenty; would you like to join me?’He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the girl said, ‘I have had a marvelous evening, would you like to stay the night?’The man hesitated then said, ‘Do you act like this with every man you meet?”No,’ she replied, ‘Only those who catch my eye!’

The family of potatoes

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner–Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. “Mother Potato?” she said. “I have an announcement to make.” “And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes. “Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!” The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?” “I’m marrying a Russet!” “A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother? I, too, have an announcement.” “And what might that be?” encouraged Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!” “You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?” “I’m marrying an Idaho!” beamed the middle daughter. “An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. “Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.” “Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation. “Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, “I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!” “Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?” “I’m marrying Peter Jennings!” “Peter Jennings?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”

The talking peanut.

This guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits drinking, he notices a peanut jump out of the dish before him. The peanut proceeds to talk, ‘hey there buddy,’ it hollers, ‘you’re looking mighty fine tonight!’

The guy can’t believe what he is seeing. ‘This sure is some strong beer!’ He thinks to himself before getting up to go to the toilet. On his way back to the bar, the guy walks past a cigarette machine which appears to speak ,’hey asshole, go screw yourself!’ it yells.

The guy can’t believe it and decides to ask the bartender what’s going on. ‘Hey bartender, I swear to god that one of those peanuts over there just started a conversation with me and on the way back from the men’s room, your cigarette machine just swore at me.’

‘Let me explain,’ replies the bartender ‘the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order.’

Monster in a village

Out far away in the himalayas there was a small village that was constantly terrified by this terrible monster named the medecrin.The medicrin would come down to the village once a week and eat one of the villagers. Now, as you would guess, the population of the village decreased greatly after a few months of this, so, the chief of the village called forth the greatest hunter he could get and told him to hunt down and kill the medicrin.So, after much talk, the hunter finally agreed to kill the medicrine. But the hunter, being smart, decided he would have to trap the monster to kill it, figuring he would get eaten if he faced it head on.So he looked in his himalayan monster field book and found out that medicrins like sugar, so he ordered all the villagers to dig a deep hole and fill it with all the sugar in the village.Later that week, the medicrine came down to the village. When it went after it`s usual meal, it saw the pit of sugar, looked at it a moment, and then went after another villager.After the medicrin left, the chief called up the great hunter, and scolded the hunter for failing, but the hunter convinced the chief to give him another chance, and the chief agreed.The next day, the hunter looked back to his himalayan monster field book and found that medicrins like loons even more than sugar.So the great hunter went out, caught a loon, and placed it in the pit with the sugar. Now, it turns out that loons like sugar even more than medicrins, so the loon ate up all the sugar. So, a few days later the medicrine returned on time for it`s villager feast.But, as it was heading for the village, the medicrin saw the pit with the loon. The medicrin imediatly became hungry for loon, so it climbed down into the pit and at the loon. But, as soon as it finished the loon off, it fell over, deader than a doornail.The moral of the story? A loon full of sugar helps the medecrin go down.

Caught Speeding.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yells, “PULLOVER!”

“NO,” she yelled back over the sound of the siren, “It’s a SCARF!”

Prick in his hand

One day Little Johnny came home with a prick on his finger.
“Mommy, can I have a glass of cider for the prick on my hand?”
His mom offered to take it out with the tweezers. “No, I’d
rather have some cider.” he said. His mom gave him the glass of
cider and Little Johnny took it to his room.

She was curious to know what he was going to do with it. So she
peered into the room and, to her surprise, saw him dipping his
finger in the cider. “What are you doing young man?!” she asked.
“Yesterday I heard sis on the phone and she said that whenever
she has a prick in her hand she can’t wait to get it in cider
(inside her)!”

Glass Eye

A man who lived in a block of flats thought it was raining and
put his hand out of the window to check. As he did so a glass
eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from
in time to see a girl looking down. “Is this yours?” he asked.
She said, “Yes, could you bring it up?” and the man agreed. On
arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a
drink.

As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she
said, “I’m about to have dinner. There’s plenty; would you like
to join me?” He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a
lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the girl
said, “I have had a marvelous evening, would you like to stay
the night?” The man hesitated then said, “Do you act like this
with every man you meet?” “No,” she replied, “Only those who
catch my eye!”