Category Archives: quotes

Coffee Quote

“It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.”

— Dave Barry

Key Chain Quotes

– I need more money, power, and less SHIT from you people.

– We’ll get along fine as soon as you realize I’m God.

– Discourage inbreeding; ban country music.

– Life is short. Don’t be a dick.

– Yoo hoo!! Here I am, at the bottom of your purse!

– Starlight Starbright where the hell is Mr. Right

– To some its a six-pack, to me it’s a support Group

– I majored in liberal arts, would you like fries w/that.

– I majored in philosophy, would you like fries w/that.

– I want my man to have a VCR: Very Cute Rear

– I have PMS and a gun. Did you have a problem with that!?!

– I’m 17. Give me your credit cards, give me your keys and get
out of my way.

– I haven’t found Mr Right but I have found Mr Cheap, Mr Sleazy
and Mr Wrong

– You’re just jealous cause the voices talk to me.

– It’s Miss Bitch to you.

– How do you keep an idiot amused? Turn over. . . (on both sides
of keychain)

– I suffer from PMS… Putting up with Men’s Shit

– If you’re rich, I’m single.

– Men suffer from PMS too… Pretending to be Macho Studs

– If you shower in your clothes, it shows you’re crazy. If you
shower nude, it show’s your nuts!!!

– I’m immature, unorganized, irresponsible, lazy, and LOUD…
but I’m FUN.

– If you don’t like my driving, then get off the sidewalk!

– If it has tires or testicles, it’s gonna piss you off. – or –
If it has tires or tits, it’s gonna piss you off.

– Behind every great man is a great woman, and behind every
great woman is some guy staring at her ass!

– Bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass

– Birthdays only come once a year… aren’t you glad you’re not
a birthday?

– To some it’s half empty, To some it’s half full. To me it’s
time for a beer run!

– (Written in really tiny writing) Nosy little fucker, aren’t
you?

– (This is a visual gag. It’s a condom inside plastic with the
caption) “In case of emergency, break glass.” (What’s really
funny is in tiny writing underneath) “Not recommended for use”

– I am so broke, I can’t even pay attention.

– I am not a BITCH… I am *the* BITCH.

– I was put on this planet to make your life miserable.

– I’m in touch with my inner bitch.

– I am trying to graduate college with a 4.0 (blood alcohol
level).

– I do what the voices in my head tell me. Looking for Mr. Right
*crossed out* Mr. Wonderful *crossed out* Mr. Coffee!

– Heartbreaker, looking for next victim.

– In God we trust. All others we monitor.

– Not all women are annoying… some are dead.

– The nuns made me dress this way.

– You! Out of the gene pool!

– You must be this tall to ride this ride.

– Moody Bitch; seeking a caring, and understanding guy to dump
on.

B.I.T.C.H. = Beautiful Individual That Can Handle anything!

More predictions of life in the Year 2000

FOOD By the year 2000, everybody will carry his little gaseous tablets, his little ball of fatty matter. — M. Berthelot, Strand magazine, 1901 By 2000, sawdust and wood pulp will be converted into sugary foods. Discarded table linen and rayon underwear will be bought by chemical factories and converted into candy. John Smith, Science Digest, 1967 POLITICS One can only smile at the thought of England and the United States planning for the year 2000. They will be lucky to survive until 1950. — Joseph Goebbels, Nazi propaganda minister, 1941 ELVIS By the year 2000, one out of three people will be Elvis impersonators. — Michael Sweet, The New York Times, 1991 HOUSEWORK When the housewife of 2000 cleans house she simply turns the hose on everything. Why not? Furniture, rugs, draperies, unscratch- able floors – all are made of synthetic fabric or waterproof plastic. After the water has run down a drain in the middle of the floor, she turns on a blast of hot air and dries everything. — Waldemarr Kaempffert, Popular Mechanics, 1950 ROBOTS We may wake up each morning to the patter of little feet — robot feet. — Walter Cronkite, Life in 2001, 1967 CANNIBALS I predict an outburst of cannibalism that will terrorize the population of one of the industrial cities in the state of Pennsylvania — Pittsburgh! — Criswell, Criswell Predicts, 1968 SCHOOL All the teacher will have to do to bring swift punishment will be to press a button and a current of electricity will shoot through the victim and make him think he is a human pin-cushion. “Uncle Richard Tells of the Bad Boys of the Year 2000,” The Chicago Tribune, 1900

Kids truths :)

~ ~ Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned

* No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.

* When your Mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your
hair.

* If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch
the second person.

* Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.

* You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

* Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

* Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

* School lunches stick to the wall.

* You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

* Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts, no matter
how cute the underwear is.

More stuff to ponder

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.Laughing stock – cattle with a sense of humor.You can’t have everything, where would you put it?Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.When you’re swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray!A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ineffective Daily Affirmations

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner
Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of
suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
someone else’s fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of
course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality
at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me
in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not
nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice
things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting
parts.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with
imaginary fears.

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local
laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
sweeter words than “I told you so.”

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.
Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute… I’ll find
someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying
about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is
working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step —
blaming my parents.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I’m
giving as much as I’m getting.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from
them.