Category Archives: rednecks

Trigonometry

A hillbilly was going to send his boy to school and was discussing with the principal what courses he should take. The principal was talking about math courses and suggested he would probably later on take geometry and trigonometry. The hillbilly heard this and said “Great! Be sure and give him lot’s of that there triggernometry! He’s got to be the worst shot with a rifle of anybody I have ever seen

Hilbilly sex

There’s this little Ozark family. Maw, Paw, Junior and Sally.

One day Junior asks, “Paw, whut’s sex?”

Paw sits back, thinks about it, and replies, “Well, Junior, I reckon yore “bout ol ’nuff to find out.
Maw, take off all yer clothes, jump up on the bed, and spread ‘n ’em legs.”

After Maw is undressed and lying on the bed, Paw looks at Junior and says, “You see that there hole on Maw? Well, jist watch ol’ Paw.”

Paw jumps on top of Maw and starts doing her every which way.

About this time, Sally walks in, walks over to Junior and whispers, “Jun…Junior. wh-whut’s that?”

Junior being a man of the world now, looks back at Sally and grins, “That’s whatcha call ‘sex’.”

“You see that there hole on Paw? Jist watch ol’ Junior….”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Player

Unbiased Journalisism

Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is
attacked by a Doberman. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off
a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and
twists, breaking the dog’s neck.

A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes
over to interview the boy.

“Forty Niners’ fan saves friend from vicious animal”, he starts
writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the boy replies.

“Oakland Raiders’ fan rescues friend from horrific attack,” the
reporter starts again.

“I’m not a Raiders fan either,” the boy says.

“Then what are you?” the reporter says

“I’m a Cowboys fan!!!”

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
“Redneck bastard kills family pet”.

The Cowboy Code

THE COWBOY CODE

1. A cowboy removes his hat when entering the presence of a lady, although he may leave it on if she works in a saloon.

2. A cowboy says EXCUSE ME, MA’AM, when leaving a lady’s presence.

3. A cowboy says PARDON ME, MA’AM, when bumping into a lady, or treading on her feet.

4. A cowboy never sits, while a lady is standing, unless he feels particularly tired, or his feet hurt.

5. A cowboy allows a lady to go through a doorway, first, especially if he thinks one of his enemies may try to shoot him in a cowardly ambush. She would provide good cover.

6 . A cowboy does not spit on the floor, but if he does, he will point it out to the ladies so they will not drag their skirts through it.

7. A cowboy never tracks horse poop into a lady’s house. He should leave his boots outside the door, unless his feet stink as bad as the horse poop, in which case, he should just go someplace else. Maybe the saloon, where the stench of horse poop is no worse than the stench of cow poop.

8. A cowboy does not pick his nose at the table, unless it will help him breath better or eliminate a whistle that otherwise might become annoying to the ladies.

9. A cowboy does not scratch his groin, his armpits, or suck on the ends of his mustache, when a lady is near.

10. A cowboy does not swear or make reference to bodily functions, in the presence of a lady.

11. A cowboy must not sneeze at the table. If a strong need arises that cannot be resisted, he will turn his head away from the lady, so she won’t be sprayed and perhaps be struck by a stray booger.

12. A cowboy does not noisily slurp his coffee in the presence of a lady. Instead, he should hold the saucer steady with both hands, tip it toward his mouth, and slurp silently.

13. A cowboy does not fart in the presence of a lady…not even silently. If he does, it might stink, and she may smell it and possibly think that he is not actually a gentleman.

14. A cowboy will grasp a lady’s elbow to help her onto a horse or into a carriage. He should never, ever push on her derriere to give her a boost, because she might kick his teeth out, unless she works in the saloon.

Redneck quickies 28

You might be a rednack if…

You’ve ever re-used a paper plate.

Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.

When you hear someone talking about the king you don’t know whether they’re talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.

You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal.

You use a pig for a garbage disposal.

You can’t go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck’s gas cap.

You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.

You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.

Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.

You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.

You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.

You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.

A tornado goes through your trailer’s yard and makes it look neater.

You’ve got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.

You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.

You think “Meals on Wheels” is another name for roadkill.

You spell fertilizer with only 4 letters.

You shot your own 12 point coat rack.

You’ve ever slam-shifted a tractor.

You have to go outside

You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.One of your kids was born on a pool table.Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.