You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.Your dog is your alarm clock.Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu”.
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
A hillbilly was going to send his boy to school and was discussing with the principal what courses he should take. The principal was talking about math courses and suggested he would probably later on take geometry and trigonometry. The hillbilly heard this and said “Great! Be sure and give him lot’s of that there triggernometry! He’s got to be the worst shot with a rifle of anybody I have ever seen
Howcome no one can solve redneck murders?
Because the DNA is all the same and there are no dental records!
There’s this little Ozark family. Maw, Paw, Junior and Sally.
One day Junior asks, “Paw, whut’s sex?”
Paw sits back, thinks about it, and replies, “Well, Junior, I reckon yore “bout ol ’nuff to find out.
Maw, take off all yer clothes, jump up on the bed, and spread ‘n ’em legs.”
After Maw is undressed and lying on the bed, Paw looks at Junior and says, “You see that there hole on Maw? Well, jist watch ol’ Paw.”
Paw jumps on top of Maw and starts doing her every which way.
About this time, Sally walks in, walks over to Junior and whispers, “Jun…Junior. wh-whut’s that?”
Junior being a man of the world now, looks back at Sally and grins, “That’s whatcha call ‘sex’.”
“You see that there hole on Paw? Jist watch ol’ Junior….”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Player
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is
attacked by a Doberman. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off
a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and
twists, breaking the dog’s neck.
A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes
over to interview the boy.
“Forty Niners’ fan saves friend from vicious animal”, he starts
writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the boy replies.
“Oakland Raiders’ fan rescues friend from horrific attack,” the
reporter starts again.
“I’m not a Raiders fan either,” the boy says.
“Then what are you?” the reporter says
“I’m a Cowboys fan!!!”
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
“Redneck bastard kills family pet”.
THE COWBOY CODE
1. A cowboy removes his hat when entering the presence of a lady, although he may leave it on if she works in a saloon.
2. A cowboy says EXCUSE ME, MA’AM, when leaving a lady’s presence.
3. A cowboy says PARDON ME, MA’AM, when bumping into a lady, or treading on her feet.
4. A cowboy never sits, while a lady is standing, unless he feels particularly tired, or his feet hurt.
5. A cowboy allows a lady to go through a doorway, first, especially if he thinks one of his enemies may try to shoot him in a cowardly ambush. She would provide good cover.
6 . A cowboy does not spit on the floor, but if he does, he will point it out to the ladies so they will not drag their skirts through it.
7. A cowboy never tracks horse poop into a lady’s house. He should leave his boots outside the door, unless his feet stink as bad as the horse poop, in which case, he should just go someplace else. Maybe the saloon, where the stench of horse poop is no worse than the stench of cow poop.
8. A cowboy does not pick his nose at the table, unless it will help him breath better or eliminate a whistle that otherwise might become annoying to the ladies.
9. A cowboy does not scratch his groin, his armpits, or suck on the ends of his mustache, when a lady is near.
10. A cowboy does not swear or make reference to bodily functions, in the presence of a lady.
11. A cowboy must not sneeze at the table. If a strong need arises that cannot be resisted, he will turn his head away from the lady, so she won’t be sprayed and perhaps be struck by a stray booger.
12. A cowboy does not noisily slurp his coffee in the presence of a lady. Instead, he should hold the saucer steady with both hands, tip it toward his mouth, and slurp silently.
13. A cowboy does not fart in the presence of a lady…not even silently. If he does, it might stink, and she may smell it and possibly think that he is not actually a gentleman.
14. A cowboy will grasp a lady’s elbow to help her onto a horse or into a carriage. He should never, ever push on her derriere to give her a boost, because she might kick his teeth out, unless she works in the saloon.
You’re a redneck if…. Your wife’s best pair of shoes is steel-toed Red