Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give. — Cass Daley
A women accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said: “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. 1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don’t burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don’t discuss yuor problems with him.
7. And most importantly, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her.
“You’re going to DIE” she replied.
A long haul trucker had been on the road for months when he happened by a brothel in Nevada. He walked in and slammed $500 down on the desk and told the madam to bring him her ugliest woman and a baloney sandwich.
She said, “Oh, sir! For that kind of money, I’ll give you the best looking dame in the place and a 7 course dinner!”
He said, “I ain’t horny – just homesick.”
Bachelor: 1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 3) A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction. 4) A man who never makes the same mistake once. 5) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony. 6) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. 7) A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.. 8) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Cad: A man who doesn’t tell his wife that he’s sterile until she’s pregnant.
Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you.
Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament.
Gentleman: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. 2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.
Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon.
Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn’t do it.
Husband: 1) A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping. 2) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had. 3) A man who stands by his wife in troubles she’d never have had if she didn’t marry him. 4) A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss. 5) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife’s permission to say so.
Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat you to the draw.
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.
Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, but untied by a lawyer.
Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.
Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.
Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor.
Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Spinster: A bachelor’s wife.
Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single in the first place.
Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him.
Wedding Ring: The world’s smallest handcuffs.
Wedlock: The deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge.
Wife: 1) A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.
2) The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.
Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband.
Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.
One night, the Potato family – Mother Potato and her three daughters – sat down to dinner. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. “Mother Potato?” she said. “I have an announcement to make.”
“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.
“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?”
“I’m marrying a Russet!”
“A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”
As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother, I too, have anannouncement.”
“And what might that be?” asked Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!”
“You, too!”Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, middle daughter?”
“I’m marrying an Idaho,” beamed the middle daughter.
“An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”
Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. “Mother? Mother Potato?
Umm, I, too, have anannouncement to make.”
“Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
“Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her,”I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!”
“Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, youngest daughter, dear?”
“I’m marrying Dan Rather!”
Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”
“Honey, I have a confession to make,” a guy told his bride. “I’m a golf nut. You’ll never see me on weekends during golf season.”
“Well, dear,” she murmured. “I have a confession to make too. I’m a hooker.”
“No big deal,” replied the groom. “Just keep your head down and your left arm straight!”
A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and sits down. He looks over at the guy next to him who also has a black eye and they both laugh. One guy says, I got mine with a slip of the tongue. I went to the train station ticket window to get a ticket and their was this beautiful, large breasted woman sitting there. I said I would like a pickett too tittsburg and she punched me in the eye.
The other guy said, I got mine with a slip of the tongue too. At breakfast instead of asking my wife to pass the cheerios I said you ruined my life you fat bitch!
One day, a wife and her husband were spending the day at home.
Her husband was watching football on TV when she said, “Honey,
the refrigerator is broken. Will you fix it?” Her husband
replied, “What do I look like, a damn repairman?” The next day
the wife’s car had a flat tire. She asked her husband, “Dear,
my car has a flat tire, can u repair it?” With that her husband
asked, “What do I look like, a mechanic?” Later that evening,
the wife said, “Honey, the porch light isn’t working, can you
please fix it?” After that her husband got really angry. “What
do i look like a damn electrician? Why do you keep asking me to
do stuff? Geez! I’m going for a drive!” Her husband left that
evening and didn’t come back until the next day. He realized he
had overreacted and should have helped out. When he came home
he saw that the porch light was fixed, the refrigerator worked,
and the car’s tire was replaced. He saw his wife sitting down
at the kitchen table and said, “Awww, honey, you called a
repairman after I left? You are so sweet.” The wife replied,
“Well, no. After you left I sat on the porch steps and started
crying. A handsome young man came by the house and saw me. He
asked why I was crying and I said all these things were broken
and no one would fix them. Then he said that he would fix them
for me if I would either bake him a cake or fuck him.” Her
husband asked, “Oh, well what kind of cake did you for him bake
him, honey?” To that the wife looked at her husband and asked,
“What do I look like to you, Betty Crocker?”
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I bet
you don’t know what day this is.”
“Of course I do,” he indignantly answered, going out the door to
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door,
she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.
“First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!”
she exclaimed. “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.