A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and sits down. He looks over at the guy next to him who also has a black eye and they both laugh. One guy says, I got mine with a slip of the tongue. I went to the train station ticket window to get a ticket and their was this beautiful, large breasted woman sitting there. I said I would like a pickett too tittsburg and she punched me in the eye.
The other guy said, I got mine with a slip of the tongue too. At breakfast instead of asking my wife to pass the cheerios I said you ruined my life you fat bitch!
One day, a wife and her husband were spending the day at home.
Her husband was watching football on TV when she said, “Honey,
the refrigerator is broken. Will you fix it?” Her husband
replied, “What do I look like, a damn repairman?” The next day
the wife’s car had a flat tire. She asked her husband, “Dear,
my car has a flat tire, can u repair it?” With that her husband
asked, “What do I look like, a mechanic?” Later that evening,
the wife said, “Honey, the porch light isn’t working, can you
please fix it?” After that her husband got really angry. “What
do i look like a damn electrician? Why do you keep asking me to
do stuff? Geez! I’m going for a drive!” Her husband left that
evening and didn’t come back until the next day. He realized he
had overreacted and should have helped out. When he came home
he saw that the porch light was fixed, the refrigerator worked,
and the car’s tire was replaced. He saw his wife sitting down
at the kitchen table and said, “Awww, honey, you called a
repairman after I left? You are so sweet.” The wife replied,
“Well, no. After you left I sat on the porch steps and started
crying. A handsome young man came by the house and saw me. He
asked why I was crying and I said all these things were broken
and no one would fix them. Then he said that he would fix them
for me if I would either bake him a cake or fuck him.” Her
husband asked, “Oh, well what kind of cake did you for him bake
him, honey?” To that the wife looked at her husband and asked,
“What do I look like to you, Betty Crocker?”
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I bet
you don’t know what day this is.”
“Of course I do,” he indignantly answered, going out the door to
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door,
she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.
“First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!”
she exclaimed. “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man’s head, and the wife shouted, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? He did! Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did! Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for? He does!”
The husband, looked over at the cab driver and said, “What would you do in a case like this?”
The cabby said, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches cold.”
A man and a woman drove along in silence — the quiet part of a nasty argument. Their country drive took them past a farm with a pigpen full of pigs wallowing in the mud.
“Relatives of yours?” she asked sarcastically.
“Yep — those are my in-laws,” he replied.
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, “That’s once.”
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, “Thad’s twice.”
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn’t say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride raised all kind of heck with him, telling him, “That was an awful thing to do.”
The farmer said, “That’s once.”
Ryan’s wife had recently died and she was being buried. Ryan was sobbing uncontrollably and was being consoled by his friends.
“Don’t worry Ryan, in two or three months you may meet a beautiful lady who will make you happy”
“I know, I know,” says Ryan, “But what am I gonna do tonight?”
A Polish couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an
end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian
baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so
they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the
registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so
he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”