Category Archives: relationships

Ryan’s Wife

Ryan’s wife had recently died and she was being buried. Ryan was sobbing uncontrollably and was being consoled by his friends.

“Don’t worry Ryan, in two or three months you may meet a beautiful lady who will make you happy”

“I know, I know,” says Ryan, “But what am I gonna do tonight?”

ADOPTING A BABY

A Polish couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an
end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian
baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so
they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the
registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so
he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

Newlyweds

The newlyweds could hardly wait to get to their room. Both tore off their cloths. The groom puffed out his chest and said “A hundred eighty pounds of dynamite.”

The bride said, “It’s the fuse that worries me.”

Argument

There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. “But it ended,” he said, “when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees.” “What did she say?” asked the friend. The husband replied, “She said, ‘Come out from under that bed, you coward!'”

Country Newlyweds

A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love, and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go – both before and after supper, and then again a few more times during the night.
The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back again at noon. Finally he decided to consult a friend, the town’s doctor, about what to do.

“Easiest thing in the world, Homer” said the doctor. “You take your rifle out with you every day don’t you? Well, when you feel like you’re in the mood for some lovin’, just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to come out to you. That way you won’t lose any workin’ time.”

Homer tried his friend’s solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a while. One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he noticed Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Didn’t my idea work? Where’s your wife?”

“Oh, it worked” says Homer. “Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said, and Beckie’d come runnin’. Then we’d find a secluded place and make love. Then Beckie’d go back home.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain’t seen hide nor hair of Beckie since hunting season got started…”

The Watchtower

A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island. The wife begins to lose interest in her husband and wishes on a star that she would find another man. The next day a man is washed on shore. He is very nice looking and finds immediate interest in the wife. The husband was very pleased that there was another man to help work.
So they started on building a watchtower. The stranger and wife wanted to have mad passionate sex on the beach. So he tried to think of a plan. SO then the stranger offered to watch first from the watchtower. While the husband and wife worked, the stranger yelled, ”Hey! No screwing! Get back to work!”

At this, the couple yelled back, ”We’re not screwing!”

A little while later the man again yelled out to them. And again the couple denied it. This happened several times during his shift up in the watchtower, and when his turn was over, the husband took over. With that, the stranger made love to the wife on the beach. The husband, watching, exclaimed, ”Wow, it really does look like they’re screwing from up here!”’

49 cents

On a trip to the USA, a wealthy Arab fell in love with Susan.

He begged her to marry him, but she refused, saying that she had no intention of leaving America to live in a desert.

Immediately, the Arab bought several grand homes across the USA, from New England to California, and he took Susan on a tour of the homes, flying her from place to place in his private jet.

Susan was impressed, and she agreed to marry him.

Six weeks later, in tears, she phoned her father and asked him to take her back home.

“Whatever for?” asked her father.

“I’ve married a pervert,” she cried.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said. “Just come and take me home.”

So her father drove to her New England home.

Arriving there, richly ornate gold gates opened electronically, and he drove along a wide, straight drive lined with oaks and maples.

And at the end of the mile-long drive was a building so grand that it made the White House look like a dog kennel.

He climbed the solid marble steps to huge doors, at least twelve feet tall, and there he met his daughter, waiting for him with her two bags packed and ready to go.

“Oh, father,” she cried. “Take me away from here at once. I cannot bear to stay a moment longer.”

Her father could not believe that she should want to leave such splendor.

“What’s wrong, dear?” he asked.

“The man is a pervert!” she exclaimed.

He asked his daughter to explain this perversion that was upsetting her so.

“When I married him,” she sobbed, “my asshole was as tight as a penny piece, and now, it’s as big as a half dollar.”

“Nay,” said her father. “surely you’re not go to leave all this for the sake of forty-nine cents!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Wedding Toasts 4

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.

I want a husband who is decent, God-fearing, well-educated, smart, sincere, respectful, treats me as an equal, has a great body, and has the same interests in life as me. Now I don’t think that’s too much to ask of a billionaire, do you?

I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

John, you know I can’t marry you. You are an accountant. I prefer a man who builds things, who makes things, like an engineer who…makes half-a-million dollars a year…

Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.

Life’s a bitch, and then you marry one.

Life sucks…and then you marry someone who doesn’t!

Look the bride in the eye and ask, “If I’m the best man, how come you’re marrying HIM???”

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Love is a thousand miles long, but comes in six inch installments.

Love is a word composed of two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.

Love is the dawn of marriage, and marriage is the sunset of love.

Love may conquer everything, but it needs Time as its Field General.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Make love, not war, or do both: get married.

Man and wife make one fool.

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world’s greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Marital Logic: 1) Marriage is an institution. 2) Marriage is love. 3) Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.

May the bluebird of happiness crap all over your wedding cake.

May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

May you grow so rich your widow’s second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.

May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.

May you live as long as long as you want to, and may you want to as long as you live!

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

May you never leave your marriage alive.

May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife away, your nose always.

May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.