Category Archives: relationships

49 cents

On a trip to the USA, a wealthy Arab fell in love with Susan.

He begged her to marry him, but she refused, saying that she had no intention of leaving America to live in a desert.

Immediately, the Arab bought several grand homes across the USA, from New England to California, and he took Susan on a tour of the homes, flying her from place to place in his private jet.

Susan was impressed, and she agreed to marry him.

Six weeks later, in tears, she phoned her father and asked him to take her back home.

“Whatever for?” asked her father.

“I’ve married a pervert,” she cried.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said. “Just come and take me home.”

So her father drove to her New England home.

Arriving there, richly ornate gold gates opened electronically, and he drove along a wide, straight drive lined with oaks and maples.

And at the end of the mile-long drive was a building so grand that it made the White House look like a dog kennel.

He climbed the solid marble steps to huge doors, at least twelve feet tall, and there he met his daughter, waiting for him with her two bags packed and ready to go.

“Oh, father,” she cried. “Take me away from here at once. I cannot bear to stay a moment longer.”

Her father could not believe that she should want to leave such splendor.

“What’s wrong, dear?” he asked.

“The man is a pervert!” she exclaimed.

He asked his daughter to explain this perversion that was upsetting her so.

“When I married him,” she sobbed, “my asshole was as tight as a penny piece, and now, it’s as big as a half dollar.”

“Nay,” said her father. “surely you’re not go to leave all this for the sake of forty-nine cents!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Wedding Toasts 4

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.

I want a husband who is decent, God-fearing, well-educated, smart, sincere, respectful, treats me as an equal, has a great body, and has the same interests in life as me. Now I don’t think that’s too much to ask of a billionaire, do you?

I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

John, you know I can’t marry you. You are an accountant. I prefer a man who builds things, who makes things, like an engineer who…makes half-a-million dollars a year…

Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.

Life’s a bitch, and then you marry one.

Life sucks…and then you marry someone who doesn’t!

Look the bride in the eye and ask, “If I’m the best man, how come you’re marrying HIM???”

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Love is a thousand miles long, but comes in six inch installments.

Love is a word composed of two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.

Love is the dawn of marriage, and marriage is the sunset of love.

Love may conquer everything, but it needs Time as its Field General.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Make love, not war, or do both: get married.

Man and wife make one fool.

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world’s greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Marital Logic: 1) Marriage is an institution. 2) Marriage is love. 3) Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.

May the bluebird of happiness crap all over your wedding cake.

May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

May you grow so rich your widow’s second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.

May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.

May you live as long as long as you want to, and may you want to as long as you live!

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

May you never leave your marriage alive.

May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife away, your nose always.

May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.

Just a Kiss

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk.

“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

“Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.

Can’t talk now!

A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband.

She is giving him oral sex when the phone rings.

The husband answers it, to find out it is his mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.

He says, “She cannot talk rrright now, she ‘as a frog in ze thrrroat.”

Cutting You Off

Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.
“That’s it George! I’ve had it this time.” his wife screamed. “I’m cutting you off forever.”

“That’s impossible,” he replied, “you don’t even know where I’m getting it.”

Divorce Time

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, “I want you to help me get a divorce.

The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.

My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.”

“What do you mean?” asked the attorney. “Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?”

“No,” replied the woman, “and neither does the little queer.”

Bug Up Her Ass

A man walked into a drugstore and asked the man at the counter if they sold condoms. The proprietor asked the man what kind he wanted. The man replied, “I want the kind with insecticide on them.” The proprietor responded, “Don’t you mean the kind with spermicide?” “NO!” shouted the man, “I mean INSECTICIDE”. The proprietor asked, “Why would you want a condom with insecticide”?” The man replied, “My old lady has a bug up her ass, and I’m going after it!”