Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man’s head, and the wife shouted, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? He did! Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did! Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for? He does!”
The husband, looked over at the cab driver and said, “What would you do in a case like this?”
The cabby said, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches cold.”
A man and a woman drove along in silence — the quiet part of a nasty argument. Their country drive took them past a farm with a pigpen full of pigs wallowing in the mud.
“Relatives of yours?” she asked sarcastically.
“Yep — those are my in-laws,” he replied.
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, “That’s once.”
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, “Thad’s twice.”
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn’t say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride raised all kind of heck with him, telling him, “That was an awful thing to do.”
The farmer said, “That’s once.”
Ryan’s wife had recently died and she was being buried. Ryan was sobbing uncontrollably and was being consoled by his friends.
“Don’t worry Ryan, in two or three months you may meet a beautiful lady who will make you happy”
“I know, I know,” says Ryan, “But what am I gonna do tonight?”
A Polish couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an
end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian
baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so
they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the
registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so
he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
The newlyweds could hardly wait to get to their room. Both tore off their cloths. The groom puffed out his chest and said “A hundred eighty pounds of dynamite.”
The bride said, “It’s the fuse that worries me.”
There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. “But it ended,” he said, “when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees.” “What did she say?” asked the friend. The husband replied, “She said, ‘Come out from under that bed, you coward!'”
A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love, and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go – both before and after supper, and then again a few more times during the night.
The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back again at noon. Finally he decided to consult a friend, the town’s doctor, about what to do.
“Easiest thing in the world, Homer” said the doctor. “You take your rifle out with you every day don’t you? Well, when you feel like you’re in the mood for some lovin’, just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to come out to you. That way you won’t lose any workin’ time.”
Homer tried his friend’s solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a while. One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he noticed Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Didn’t my idea work? Where’s your wife?”
“Oh, it worked” says Homer. “Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said, and Beckie’d come runnin’. Then we’d find a secluded place and make love. Then Beckie’d go back home.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain’t seen hide nor hair of Beckie since hunting season got started…”