One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.The Pickle says, “You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar.The Cucumber says, “Yeah, you think that’s bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they slice me up and put me in a salad.The Penis says, “You think that your lives are tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet, dark, smelly room, and force me to do push-ups until I puke and pass out!
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
The new teacher at the boys school was Miss Franny and she was disturbed to find that even the headmaster made a mistake and welcomed her as Miss Fanny.
“The name is Franny” she said coldly
“Sorry” said the headmaster who made a mental note not to forget the “r”.
He escorted her to her new class. “Good morning boys,” he said, “I would like to introduce you to Miss Crunt.”
For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a
survey. So it wouldn’t be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples’
The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people,so he started out his
project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.
He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
“Sir, what is your name?” asked the student
“Sir, I’m doing a school study and would like to know what your favorite
“Watching bubbles in the bath,” came the reply.
He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to
the next door, when he asked again.
“Sir,what is your name?”
“Sir, would you please tell me your favorite pastime?”
“Watching bubbles in the bath,” was the answer.
Quite amused and confused, he went on to ask a good number of people in the
building and and all of them had the same pastime of “watching bubbles in the
He left the building and walked across the street where there were several
rows of sorority houses to continue the survey.
At the first house, he knocks and an attractive sorority girl opens the door.
Our surveyor starts again, “What is your name?”
A professor, teaching a college sexuality class, was discussing the frequency
of sex that could still be considered normal. “Many people find that sex every
other week is sufficient frequency to satisfy, and that’s fine. Yet others want
to make love nightly, and there’s nothing wrong with that either. Let’s take an
informal survey of this class. Don’t be embarrassed. Please answer honestly. How
many people here make love more than twice a week?”
A few hands shot up.
“Twice a week?”
A few more hands.
“Weekly, on average?”
“Once every two weeks?” he continued and, “Once a month?” and “Once every
several months?” and finally, “Once a year?”
At this last category, one hand shot up, waving most eagerly. “Pardon my
curiosity,” the professor asked, “But if you only make love once a year, why are
you so excited over it?”
Replied the student, “Tonight’s the night!”
Dear Mom and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college.I have been remiss in
writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written
before. I will bring you up to date now, but, before you read on,please sit
YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN OKAY!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught
fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick
headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the
fire department and the ambulance.
He also visited me at the hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of
the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment
with him. It’s really a basement room, but it’s kind of cute. He is a very fine
boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married.
We haven’t set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy
begins to show.
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to
being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love,
devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor
infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests, and I
carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin
injections I am having daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with
open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious.
Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your
often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that
his skin colour is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I
do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an
important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no
dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in
the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and
there is no man (of any colour) in my life. However, I am getting a ‘D’ in
History and an ‘F’ in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper
Your Loving Daughter.
1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.
2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor’s door.
4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.
5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn’t. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.
7. End the paper with “This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds”.
8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.
9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can’t do the paper because you’re not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists.
10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?
11. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn’t retrieve the original.
12. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.
13. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor’s desk.
14. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can’t turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a “need to know” basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an ‘A’.
15. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period.
16. Turn in a letter you wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you’ll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while.(This is a nifty way to get an extension.)
17. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.
18. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won’t see you until the next full moon.
19. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.
20. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it’s nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.
21. Bring candles and incense to class.
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.7. Pretend to type in the middle of the air. Complain about how slow the computer has been recently.
yo mammas so fat when she stepped on a scale it said to be continued
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.69. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can’t remember who it was.