Category Archives: sci-fi / fantasy

Luke Skywalker

One day, Luke Skywalker and Obi-One came into a Chinese
Resturant. They ordered the food and then sat down to eat. “Damm
it!” cried Luke, “These sticks are so hard.” As Luke’s face grew
livid with rage, Obi-One calmly replied, “Use the forks, Luke,
use the forks.”

The Pledge of the Committed Hero Wiener

1. I, as a dedicated wiener, pledge to be the wussiest I can, but always
win.

2. Through the course of my journey, I will never act cool.

3. I pledge to effect the lives of everyone I meet, but only in a minute
way.

4. No one will stop me from completing my mission.

5. If I become romantically involved with a woman, I will quickly forget
about it. It’s way to nonsensical for some beautiful buxom women to fall
for me.

6. I will never have sex! Ever!

A Man with an Ostrich and a Cat

A bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich
behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool
beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some
curiosity, and says, “What’ll it be?” The man says, “I’ll have a
pint”, and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have a
pint as well.” says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and
says, “I suppose you want a drink, too.” The cat replies, “I’ll
have a half, but I ain’t payin’!” So the barman pulls two and a
half pints, and says, “That’ll be three pounds forty, please.”
The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the
barman’s surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.

A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the
exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the
ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. “I’ll have a pint,”
says the man. “Same for me,” says the ostrich. The cat orders up
a half and says, “But I ain’t payin’!” Repeat of yesterday. The
bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.

This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening,
the trio enter again. “The same?” asks the barman. “Well,” says
the man, “it’s close to last orders. I’ll have a large scotch.”
He turns to the ostrich enquiringly. The bird says, “I’ll have a
large scotch as well.” The cat says, “I’ll have a small
scotch…but I ain’t payin’!” The barman rings up the drinks and
turns, with a sly grin, “That’ll be seven pounds twenty,
please.” To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven and
twenty out of his pocket.

As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can’t contain
his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir, but before you leave
there’s something I must know…how do you manage to always come
up with the exact change out of your pocket…every time?”
“Well”, says the man, “it’s a long story. But basically, several
years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and
when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but
as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I
rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes.”
“That’s fantastic,” says the barkeep, “What did you wish for?”

“If I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my
pocket and the right money will always be there.” “That’s
brilliant,” says the barman, “most people would wish for a
million pounds or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live.” “That’s right, whether its a
quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always
there. The best thing I ever did!”

As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, “One last
thing, sir… err, your friends there… we don’t get many cats
or ostriches drinkin’ in here…?” The man looks glum. “Yes, I
know. That’s probably the worst thing I ever did, but I’m stuck
with ’em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked
for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”

Captain’s Red Shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were
in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,
the captain bellowed to his first mate, “Bring me my red shirt!” The first
mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on
and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some
casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm
as ever bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” And once again the battle was
on. However, the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties,
though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting
the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the captain and asked,
“Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?”

The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,
exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the
wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.”

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn
came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships,
10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his
usual command. The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown
pants!”

heaven or hell?

A man walked out into the street and got hit by a car, he was
a devious man who sinned all of the time. He died, and when he
got to his after life he said, “ohhh….. this must be heaven.”
There were many beautiful, naked women and many bottles of rum.
He saw a man standing behind the counter so he went up to him
and said…, “sir this must be heaven because of all the naked
women and rum, and heaven is a wonderful place so this is
heaven.”
The man replied “no no no you got it all wrong this is hell.”
The man replied but “How is that possible? look at all the naked
women and rum.”
The man behind the counter said, “I am the devil and all of the
bottles of rum have holes in the bottom of them……and the the
women do not.”

Genie on Malibu Beach

A man was walking along the beach at Malibu when he found a
bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it.

A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The
genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but
only one..”

The man thought for a minute and said, “I have always wanted to
go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I’m afraid of
flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for
a bridge to be built from here to Hawaii.”

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, “No, I don’t think
I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the
pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would
have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the
pavement that would be needed.

No, that is just too much to ask.”

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, “There is
one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be
able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are
they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with?
Basically, what makes them tick?”

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, do you
want two lanes or four?

Close Encounter

One day in a little town in the desert, a UFO landed and a green
man came out and walked towards the town bar. As he entered the
bar he approached the sherif who happened to be reading the
paper. The alien stood behind him, looked over his shoulder and
started to tap him on the shoulder. After a couple of minutes of
doing that, the sherrif got mad and threw the paper on the
ground and said, “Here, you wanna read it, go ahead.” The alien
pulls his dick out and starts to run it over the lines. The
sherrif was very surrprised and asked, “If this is how you read
then how do you have sex?” In response, the alien approached him
and started tapping his shoulder.

Irishman and Genie w/ Glass of Vodka

One day an Irishman found a bottle. He rubbed it and out came a
genie. The genie said, “I will grant you 2 wishes.”

The Irishman said, “I like Russian vodka. So I guess I’ll take a
glass of that.” POOF! He had a glass of vodka!

To his surprise, once he finished the glass it refilled by
itself, “Wow! It refilled itself!” The genie said, “Of course!
It’s a magic glass. It will never run out of vodka.”

The Irishman exclaimed, “Great! I’ll have another one of these!”

Snowball

I made myself a snowball
as perfect as could be,
I thought i’d keep it as a pet
and let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
and a pillow for its head,
but one night it ran away
but first it wet the BED!