The Twelve Days of ChemistryOn the first day of chemistryMy teacher gave to meA candle from Chem Study.(second day) two asbestos pads(third day) three little beakers(fourth day) four work sheets(fifth day) five golden moles(sixth day) six flaming test tubes(seventh day) seven unknown samples(eighth day) eight homework problems(ninth day) nine grams of salt(tenth day) a ten page test(eleventh day) eleven molecules(twelfth day) a twelve point quiz
The last words of a chemist:4. … and please keep that test tube alone!5. And now shake it a bit.6. Why is there no label on this bottle?
Test Tubes Bubbling(to the tune of “Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire”)Test tubes bubbling in a water bathStrong smells nipping at ypur nose.Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglowWill find it hard to be inert tonight.They know that Chlorine’s on its wayHe’s loaded lots of little electrons on his sleighAnd every student’s slide rule is on the slyTo see if the teacher really can multiply.And so I offer you this simple phraseTo chemistry students in this roomAlthough it’s been said many times, many waysMerry molecules to you.
The last words of a chemist:7. In which glass was my mineral water?8. The bunschen burnes *is* out!9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
Cesium’s Strange(Tune, People are strange – The Doors)Cesium’s strange,when you’re a strangerConsummate danger,ready to blow.Water is wicked,wet and unwanted,Folks are unfriendly,when you glow.Don’t take it out in the rain.You’re insane!You’re insane!Don’t you remember the pain?You’re insane!You’re insane!You’re insane —Cesium’s strange,pregnant with danger,Hand the next strangera kilo or two.Pour on the water,lamb at the slaughter,Bathe in the lightthat is blue, sky-blue!Don’t take it out in the rain.You’re insane!You’re insane!You’ll always remember the pain.You’re insane!You’re insane!You’re insane —— Songs of Cesium #13
At the physics exam: ‘Describe the universe in 200 words and give three examples.’ Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at baseball games?A: The ‘wave’.The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC. SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train? Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature. The answer to the problem was “log(1+x)”. A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didn’t want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to “timber(1+x)” One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum. He described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute. He said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton. As they sat down on a bench, there was a moment of passion. It was then that he discovered that AB did not equal BA. Why did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
One day three scientists were discussing what would happen if
they rammed a cork up an elephants ass and force fed it for 2
weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and
the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A
week after the experiment had started they began to realize
“WHY” the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone
to pull the cork out!!
One of the scientists came up with a bright idea of training a
monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to
pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for
another go. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring
equipment and set out to a safe distance. The first scientist
went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third
went 3 miles away. When they were all ready the first scientist
pushed the button to sound the buzzer.
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in
elephant shit. The second scientist (2 miles away) was up to his
knees. And the first scientist who was 1 mile away was up to his
waist in elephant shit. When the others joined the scientist who
was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.
“What in the world is so funny?” asked one of the scientists.
“You should have seen the monkey’s face trying to get the cork
If Albert Einstien was soo smart then how come hes dead?
Sea-Floor Spreading Lament (folksong) by Brenna Lorenz Refrain: Alas for the spreading of the ocean, Alas for the spreading of the sea, Alas for every year that passes by, Taking you two inches more from me! Oh, why did you leave our native plate, Causing me to weep and to mourn? With the plates diverging at such a rate, To leave me alone and lorn? If only the mantle would my counsel take, If the Earth would but listen unto me, I’d say, “Your convection cell remake, And bring my darling back to me!” So dive you down, you ocean dark, Part of the mantle be- Fire you up, you island arc – Subduct my darling back to me!
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.Why did the chicken cross the road? Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender looks at him, and says “For you, no charge.” Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says “I’ll have what he’s having.” Two atoms bump into each other. One says “I think I lost an electron!” The other asks, “Are you sure?”, to which the first replies, “I’m positive.” Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says “sir can I get you a martini “Descartes says “I don’t think…” and he disappears Where does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism! Heisenberg is out for a drive when he’s stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says “No, but I know where I am.”