Jenny’s grandfather recently died of a heart attack. After the
funeral, she is talking privately with her grandmother. Jenny
asks, “How did it happen”
The grandmother replies, “It happened on Sunday during sex.”
Shocked and appalled, Jenny asks, “Well, isn’t it kind of asking
for trouble if you’re having sex at the age of 89?”
“No! Of course not, deary, we do it every Sunday! We even did
it in time with the church bells. You know, in with the dings,
out with the dongs.”
Granny starts crying now and Jenny politely asks, “Whats wrong?”
Her grandmother exclaims balling her ass off, “If only it wasn’t
for that damn ice cream truck!!!”
I’m not saying you’re old but who else…
…has wrinkles on their teeth.
…sprinkles tenderizer on their applesauce.
…has a pterodactyl for a pet.
…remembers when Baskin-Robins only had two flavors.
…wears steel-belted support hose.
…knew Sleeping Beauty when she was an ugly insomniac.
There was an old lady with titanium legs walking down the beach
on her 100th birthday. She walked by a surfer guy and said “
I’ve never been fucked in my entire life, will you fuck me?” the
guy says sure, and then he rips her arms and legs off and throws
her into the ocean andsays ” now your fucked bitch!”
Once there was a very old man who had a treaure chest. He knew
that he was going to die soon, so the old man and his wife
decided to put the chest in the attic so he could take it with
him on his way to Heavan.
Five weeks later the man died. After the funeral service the old
man’s wife went up to the attic to see if the treasure was gone.
But it was still there! She sighed and said, “I knew we
should’ve put it in the basement!”
An old lady was waiting for the bus. Because she had been mugged
so many times on the street she kept all of her money in her
underpants. When the bus finally came she dug in her underpants
and pulled out a quarter to pay for her bus fare. The bus driver
looked down at the coin she had submitted and said, “I’m sorry
ma’am but we don’t take scabs!”
An old man that was married to a rather beautiful young girl was
so old that he could not maintain an erection. The girl,
demanding sex, suggested that he go to his doctor and see what
he could do.
The old man went to his doctor and sure enough the doctor had a
solution. He had a very expensive shot that could make him have
an erection. All he had to do was say “honk” to have an erection
and “honk honk” to make it go down. But he could only use it
three times both ways.
When the old man got back to his limo he was rather curious.
Knowing that he wouldn’t have to use it that much longer because
he was getting old enough and closer to his final resting place,
he said “honk” and it went up. He then said “honk honk” and it
Rather anxious to show his young beautiful wife he got out of
the car and proceeded to his mansion. Then suddenly a car honked
it’s horn and it went up, another car honked twice and it went
Worried because he only had one more time to use it he tried run
to his mansion. He finally got to his room where she was
waiting. He tore off his clothes then hers and said honk.
Curious, his wife asked, “What’s with all this honk honk crap?”
How do you get an 80 year old lady to say “fuck”?
Get another 80 year old lady to yell “Bingo”
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs
in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we
all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it
is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding
One day a couple of old ladies were driving. The passenger is
just sitting there and she notices that they went right trough a
red light! She thought it was just her imagination so she just
sits there and relaxes. Then they went through another one. She
looked at the driver and asked her, “Did you just drive through
a couple of red lights?!” The driver says, “Oh, shit, am I
On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While
the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one
elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, “Driver, I
believe that I was sexually harassed!” The driver didn’t think
much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it
Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading
again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his
ear, “Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!” This time, he
knew it had to be taken care of soon.
A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go
back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what
was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus
floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
“Excuse me, sir, could I help you?!” The elderly man looked up
and said, “Well, sonny, you sure can. I’ve lost my toupee and
I’m trying to find it. I thought I’d located it twice, but they
were parted in the middle, and mine’s parted on the side!”