A man had recently gone through a messy divorce to his wife of 10 years. Part of the settlement was that for every dollar he made, she would get 2/3 of it. If he made $300, she would get $200 and he would get $100. So, she would always get twice as much as he did.One day on a jog, he found a corked bottle lying on the ground, and of course, when he rubbed on it to try to clean it off, a genie came out.’You know the drill,’ said the genie. ‘You get three wishes, but be aware that for everything you wish for, you ex-wife gets twice as much. That was in your settlement and I am obligated to stick to that.”Yea, OK,’ said the man. ‘For my first wish, I want a million dollars.”Done,’ said the genie. ‘But now your wife has 2 million.”I know, I know…’ said the man. ‘Now I wish for a mansion and a matching sports car in the garage.”Done,’ said the genie. ‘But now your wife has a mansion twice your size and two matching sports cars in the garage.”I know, I know…’ said the man. ‘Now, for my last wish, I want you to beat me half to death.’
One day 7 year old David and his parents decided to go to the park with Grandma Jane. They were having a great time running and playing together. Then David saw a couple making out very very passionatly, so David asked “Mom, Dad, what are they doing?” While David asked the question Mom and Dad were getting alittle frisky themselves and said “Oh hunny they are getting ready to make cupcakes.”
“Oh okay.” said David After he asked the question he ran off and played. “Grandma Jane? Could you watch David for us? We wanna…. go make cupcakes.” said Mom giggling.
“Sure, said Grandma Jane, “have fun”
“Oh we will.” said Dad as they walked to the car. Grandma Jane sat down and fell asleep right away.(Shes known for that) David saw his mommy and daddy leaving and ran to the car with no one noticing him.
About 2 hours after Mom and Dad made their “cupcakes” they heard a noise in the living room, they went in the room to see what it was and it was David. “David? What are you doing here?!” said Mom
“Nothin… just watching you guys making cupcakes.” said David
“(gasp) You did?” asked Dad
“Yeah and I licked the frosting off the couch.” said David with a big smile.
For all you guys out there who just can’t figure it out, here it is: In the
world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something
she likes and you get points? Do something she dislikes and points are
subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects…Sorry,
that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system.
You make the bed…+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows…0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up…-5
You leave the toilet lid down…-10 after the lights are out…-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom…-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer…-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night …0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something…+5
You pummel it with a six iron…+10
It’s her father…-10
You stay by her side the entire party…0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking
Tiffany is a dancer…-6
Tiffany has implants…-8
You take her out to dinner…0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar ……+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night…-3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team..-10
A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal…-5
And the pal is happily married…-4
Or frighteningly single…-7
And he drives a Mustang…-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)…-15
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes…+4
You take her to a movie you hate…+6
You take her to a movie you like…-2
It’s called Death Cop 3..-3
Which features cyber having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ………-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly…-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it….+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
you say “I don’t give a damn because you have one too”…-800
The Big Question:
She asks, “Do I look fat? …-5
you hesitate in responding…-10
you reply, “Where?”…-35
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like
a concerned expression…0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
you listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV…+10
she realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep…-20
Dave’s friends came up to him after work one day and asked him to go out for a beer with them. Dave replied “No, I can’t. My wife gets really pissed if I come home late.” Dave’s friend said “When you get home, just go slide beneath the sheets, pull her panties down and give her oral sex.”So Dave goes out with his friends and has a great time. When he comes home hours later, he goes into his room and slides beneath the sheets. He pulls down her panties and begins to give her oral sex. She starts to moan and groan. After awhile, Dave tells her that he has to go take a leak and for her to wait there. When Dave gets to the bathroom he’s stunned to see his wife sitting on the john. “How did you get here?” he asked. “Shhhh,” she replied. “My Mom is sleeping.”Submitted By: Julia
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of
The golfer says to him, “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.”
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, “Would you give up a fourth of your
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless,
but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, “Okay,” and sinks the
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, “Boy, if I could only get an eagle on
The same stranger moves to his side and says, “Would it be worth another
fourth of your sex life?”
The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.”
He makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.
Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, “Would you be
willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”
The golfer says, “Certainly!” He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,
“You know, I’ve really not been fair with you because you don’t know who I am.
I’m the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.”
“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s Father O’Malley.”
Q. how do you get four old ladies to shout “f***”?
a. get a fifth old lady to shout “bingo!”
Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A Tran-sister.
10. Viagra, It’s ”Whaazzzzz Up!”
9. Viagra, the Quicker Pecker Upper
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
1. This is your penis………and this is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
There once was a man named Dave,
who found a dead whore in a cave.
She was ugly as shit
and missing one tit,
but think of the money he saved!
Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman,
“Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, “My God, if I
knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!”
And the woman was thinking to herself, “My God, if I knew the old geezer could
actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!”