Category Archives: sports figures

Dave Barry’s version of the ’96 Olympics

Article by Dave Barry on Olympic Coverage

TRUMPETS: BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM BOM BOM BOM!

BOB COSTAS: Good evening, and as you can tell by the sound of the Olympic
Theme Song that we play almost as much as we show Kerri Strug’s historic
vault, it’s time for our broadcast of The Recently Videotaped Olympic
Games Featuring Americans. We’re going to start by taking you right to the
track-and-field stadium, where the men’s 100-meter dash is about to get
under way, despite the fact that it actually happened 4 hrs ago.

TRACK COMMENTATOR:Bob, this promises to be an exciting race, featuring
Americans.

COSTAS:And what are the obstacles that these Americans have overcome to
create a Human Interest Factor for our broadcast?

TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, from left to right, they have overcome psoriasis,
vertigo and a bad allergy to vinaigrette dressing.

COSTAS: We’ll come back to the men’s 100-meter final, but right now we’re
going to replay the video of Kerri Strug, an American,overcoming her ankle
injury to make her courageous vault. (Kerri Strug vaults.)

COSTAS: What a human moment! Time for a commercial.

ANNOUNCER: We’re IBM. We’re a giant corporation with vast computer
expertise That’s why we’re in charge of keeping track of all the
statistics for these, the Olympic Games of 1953. Thank you.

BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM BOM BOM BOM!

COSTAS: Now we’re going to take you to women’s beach volleyball, where the
sun is shining brightly despite the fact that it is now 10:37 p.m. on the
East Coast.

BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: Thanks, Bob. This is Holly McPeak, an
American, and as you can see in this digitized, computer-enhanced,
ultra-slow-motion Beach Cam closeup shot, she has overcome cellulite.

COSTAS: I’ll say. When is she going to serve?

BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: She’ll be serving in about 4 seconds, Bob.

COSTAS: I’m sorry, but we don’t have that kind of time, because we need to
show this Heartwarming Moment. (Kerri Strug vaults.)

COSTAS: Now let’s go out to the cycling competition, where I believe we
have a race involving an American.

CYCLING COMMENTATOR: That is correct, Bob. We have an American shown here
pedaling furiously in 637th place, with a solid chance to move up to 636th.

COSTAS: What obstacle has this American overcome?

CYCLING COMMENTATOR: Bob, he is overcoming one hellacious case of
hemorrhoids.

COSTAS: We’ll have more on that exciting cycling race, but right now we’re
going to return to the Olympic track stadium for an update on the men’s
100-meter dash.

TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, the race started about two seconds ago and should
be over in about eight more seconds. None of the Americans has fallen down.

COSTAS: We’re going to break away from the men’s 100-meter dash at this
point, but we will be covering it throughout the course of the evening.
Right now, however, we want you to see this moment, captured by our NBC
cameras. (Kerri Strug vaults.)

COSTAS: Now let’s head out to the pool to check on the progress of the
American swimmers, all of whom have overcome asthma.

SWIMMING COMMENTATOR: Bob, here we see an American swimmer winning a race.
This happened earlier.

COSTAS: How much earlier?

SWIMMING COMMENTATOR: Twenty-four years, Bob. This is Mark Spitz.

COSTAS: Time for this commercial.

ANNOUNCER: We’re the Nike Corporation. We pay famous athletes millions of
dollars to wear our shoes. Because of this, you, the public, pay absurdly
high prices for these shoes. Is that stupid, or what? Thank you.

BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM BOM BOM BOM! (Kerri Strug vaults.)

COSTAS: OK, right now there are exciting gold-medal competitions going on
in archery, shooting, rowing, kayaking, table tennis, softball,
volleyball, team handball and judo, so right now we’re going to take you
to beach volleyball.

BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: Bob, as you can see, American Holly McPeak
is bending over.

COSTAS: I’ll say.

BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM BOM BOM BOM! (Kerri Strug vaults.)

Ugliest man in the world

One day, Hercules, Snow White and the Quasimoto (Hunchback of
Notre Dame) were standing around talking.

Hercules spoke up and said, “I bet I am the strongest man in the
world.” Snow White then looked around and said, “Well I bet that
I am the most beautiful person in the world.” Then Quasimoto
looks around and quietly said, “I suppose that I am the ugliest
man in the world.”

An old man who had been listening in on there conversation said,
“There is a psychic on top of that hill up there, why don’t you
each go in there and ask her yourself?” The three friends agreed
and they hiked to the top of the hill.

Hercules went in first and came out a few minutes later and
said, “I was right, I am the strongest man in the world.” Snow
White went in next. She came out a few minutes later and said,
“I was also right, I am the most beautiful person in the world.”
Finally it was Quasimoto’s turn. He went in and after a few
minutes he came out scratching his head. He looks up at his
friends and said, “Who is Dennis Rodman?”

Stupid camps

1. Quiditch camp (no children cannot fly)

2. Sailor camp ( no they will not end up on broadway)

3. Star Wars camp ( no it is not possible to become Chubbaca)

4. Star Trek Camp (Mr. Bernard is there)

Jock Jems

Basketball player Chris Washburn, on his ability to drive to the
basket, “Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That’s because
I’m amphibious.

“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein.” Football commentator and former player
Joe Theismann (1996)

“You guys line up alphabetically by height.” “You guys pair up
in groups of three, then line up in a circle.” Bill Peterson, a
Florida State football coach.

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with
promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out
smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he
keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when
I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking
clothes.”

Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during
his visit to Greece, “I can’t really remember the names of the
clubs that we went to.”

Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships, “I’ve won at
every level, except college and pro.”

Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime
of heavyweight Andrew Golota, “He’s a guy who gets up at six
o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”

1992 – Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his
team’s 7-27 record, “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the
road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to
play.”

1982 – Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at
practice, “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m
going to be an uncle or an aunt.”

1991 – Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator
fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20
books, “But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored
yet.” 1991 – Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday
nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons, “It’s basically the
same, just darker.”

1991 – Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player, “I
told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’
He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.'”

1991 – Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his
coach, John Jenkins, “He treats us like men. He lets us wear
earrings.”

1987 – Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting
what he told a player who received four Fs and one D, “Son,
looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”

y guy cheerleaders are not gay!!!

many guyz will not become a cheerleader for fear that they will
be called gay. this i dont under stand beacause there are many
things that would not make them look gay. i am going to list
some of the reasons that cheerleading guyz should not be
considered gay.

1.your surrounded by 15-25 girls everyday.

2.if your flyer (which is usually a girl) falls theres no
telling were your hands catch her.

3. many stunts (if u are a back spotter)require placing ur hands
on the flyers ass to push her up into the air.

4. a chair reqires u to put your hands between the girls legs.

5. there is no laying on other boyz (like in wrestling).

6. girls cant get mad at u for catching them in a bad spot if
they fall out of a stunt.

the #1 reason boys in cheerleading r not gay is:
7. at cheerleading camp you have to leep there n your sleeping
in the same bunk as 15-25 girls. there mite not be enough beds
u mite have to share w/ sumone.

Timbuck Too

One day an Aggie and a Longhorn (football teams) were applying
for the same job, the manager said, ok, you both go home and
make up a poem using the words “Timbuck Too” the next day they
both came back, the longhorn read first. “Over the hills, I do
see too, my eyes stuck like glue, Timbuck Too.” the manager, put
the poem from on a scale from 1-10, an 7. then it was the aggies
turn ” One day, a fine hill we went, we saw 3 fine ladies in a
tent. The ladies said “There’s 3 of us and two of you,” so, I
said “I buck one, and Tim, buck too!”
Now just imagine who won…

Leafs vs. Habs

One cold winter day a couple of kids were playing hockey on Lake
Ontario and a vicious dog ran up and started biting one of the
kids’ legs. Thinking fast the other kids took his hockey stick
and started beating the dog until it was dead.

A news reporter for the Toronto Sun was walking by and saw the
entire incident and came runny up to the kids. He pulled out his
memo book and starts writing: “Little Leafs fan saves boy from
vicious dog.” The boy said, “I’m not a Leaf fan.”

The reporter said, “Oh since you lived in Toronto I just figured
you were,” and crosses out what he had written and started to
write again: “Little Blue Jays fan saves boy from vicious dog.”
And again the boy said, “I’m not a Blue Jay’s fan.”

The reporter thinks for a minute and said, “Oh since you live in
Toronto I figured you were either a Jays fan or a Leafs fan, who
do you cheer for?” The boy replied, “I’m a Habs fan.” So the
reporter flipped to a different page and started to write:
“Little French bastard kills beloved family pet.”

This Is For The Bills

Four football fanactics decided to go rock climbing one day. One
was a Dallas Cowboys fan. One was a Denver Broncos fan. One was
a Miami Dolphins fan. And the other was a Buffalo Bills fan.
They all thought they were the biggest fans and they wanted to
prove it.

The four men started their journey up the cliff. While they were
about half way up the Dallas Cowboys fan yelled, “This is for
the Dallas Cowboys”, and he jumped off the cliff and died.

The Denver Broncos fan was not to be out done by the Cowboys fan
so he said, “This is for the Denver Broncos”, and he too jumped
off the cliff and died.

The other two fans finaly reached the top of the cliff. Then the
Buffalo Bills fan said, “This is for the Buffalo Bills”, and
without hesitating he shoved the Miami Dolphins fan off the
cliff.

Beckham’s Puzzle

Alex Ferguson is at Old Trafford with the whole of the
Manchester United Football Team watching them train, when he
realizes that golden boy David Beckham is absent. He takes out
his mobile phone and calls the Beckhams at home.

David – “Hello”.

Alex – “David, where the hell are you? Training started 10
minutes ago!”

David – “I’m sorry boss, but me and Victoria were doing this
jigsaw puzzle with Brooklyn and we’ve gotten completely stuck.
Brooklyn will be so upset if we can’t finish it!”

Alex – “Look, I want you here within half an hour okay?”

An hour goes by – no David. Alex rings him again.

David – “Hello”.

Alex – “I told you I wanted you here 30 minutes ago, what’s
going on? We’ve got an important match on Saturday!”

David – “I’m so sorry boss, but we still can’t get this jigsaw
done. It’s supposed to be a picture of a Tiger, and it looks so
cute on the box…but we just can’t fit it together. I’m afraid
Brooklyn’s starting to get really upset.”

Alex – “For God’s sake just get here now.”

An hour goes by – still no David. Alex is furious by now and
calls David again.

David – “Hello”.

Alex – “Get your backside over here right now, or I’ll fine you
a months’ wages.”

David – “Oh boss I do want to come, but this jigsaw still isn’t
complete. Victoria is in tears and Brooklyn is screaming blue
murder…I just can’t leave.”

Alex – “For Christ’s sake David, if I come over and finish the
bloody thing for you will you PLEASE come to training”.

David – “Yeah, that would be great”.

So Alex gets into his car and speeds over to the Beckham
residence. He knocks on the door and an agitated David answers.

David – “Thank God it’s you boss, come in. We’re in the kitchen.”

Alex follows David through to the kitchen where he finds
Brooklyn on his mother’s lap. Victoria is sat hunched over the
kitchen table brow furrowed in concentration. David joins her.
Alex approaches the kitchen table and takes a look.

Alex (sighs) – “For God’s sake David, clear those Frosties off
the table and back into the box and let’s go!”