Category Archives: sports

A hack golfer

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying
the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all
day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.
He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m
going to go drown myself in that lake.”
The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head
down that long.”

Dangerous Golf Courses

The next time you complain about that tricky water hole on your favorite golf course, just be glad it isn’t filled with crocodiles. According to the April issue of Men’s Health magazine, here are the 10 most dangerous golf courses around the world:

Lost City Golf Course, Sun City, South Africa: The 13th green is fronted by a stone pit filled with crocodiles, some stretching up to 15 feet long.

Elephant Hills Country Club, Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe: The fairways are sometimes marked by craters caused by mortar shells fired across the Zambezi River.

Compton Par-3 Golf Course, Compton, California: If you like high caliber excitement, this is your place. Home to Crips versus Bloods, Ryder Cup-style competition.

Machrie Hotel Golf Course, Islay, Scotland: On this old-fashioned, lay of the land links, virtually every drive and approach is blind, played over huge sand dunes. Incoming!

Scholl Canyon Golf Course, Glendale, California: Built on a landfill, it ran into difficulties when golfers snagged clubs on buried tires and methane gas rose up from the divots. They now pump the gas to the local power company.

Pelham Bay and Split Rock golf courses, Bronx, New York: Pelham’s remote location makes it ideal for dumping unfortunate souls. In a recent 10-year period, 13 bodies were said to have been found.

Singapore Island Country Club, Singapore: In the 1982 Singapore Open, pro Jim Stewart encountered a 10-foot cobra. He killed it, only to watch in horror as another emerged from its mouth.

Beachwood Golf Course, Natal, South Africa: Mrs. Molly Whitaker successfully executed a bunker shot here a few years back, but was then attacked by a monkey who leaped from the bush and tried to strangle her. An alert caddie dispatched the ape.

Plantation Golf and Country Club, Gretna, Louisiana: With 18 holes shoved into 61 acres (less than half the norm) players must huddle against protective fencing while awaiting their turn.

Lundin Links, Fife, Scotland: Enjoyable links near St. Andrews, unless you’re Harold Wallace, who in 1950 was hit by a train while crossing the tracks beyond the fifth green.

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft’s all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a
lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I’ve got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

Question answer

Where do religious school children practice sports?In the prayground! How did the basketball court get wet?The players dribbled all over it! Why did the chicken get sent off?For persistent fowl play!

The Top 16 Excuses Given by Nike to Justify Third World Exploitation

16> It’s not slave labor. It’s… it’s… T’ai Chi class!

15> You think we’re ripping THEM off?? YOU paid $200 for that molded rubber you’re wearing.

14> 14 cents an hour buys *twice* as much in Southeast Asia than it does in the U.S.

13> We’d pay ’em more if they had a decent fadeaway jumper.

12> Relax! We only require 20 hours a week from the terminally ill or malnourished.

11> A nation of 5-year olds who not only can tie a shoe, but can MAKE a shoe? That’s not exploitation, pal, that’s progress!

10> If we paid our workers a living wage, Michael couldn’t support his golf gambling habit.

9> Hey, do you know how many bathroom breaks a 9-year old takes?? *We’re* the ones being exploited!

8> Too busy counting our money to notice.

7> CEO Phil Knight still owes Bill Gates a few billion from last year’s poker game.

6> Interior decor of company jet was *embarrassingly* pass .

5> Hey, Reebok gets *their* shoe leather from baby seals!

4> Complaints about LOW PAY? We thought it was Lo Pei, the supervisor!

3> Average hourly wage for young workers much higher if you include Tiger Woods.

2> Our CEO keeps downsizing his conscience.

1> Just Screw ‘Em!

Slow Golfers/The Pastor, Doctor and Engineer

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!”The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.” [dramatic pause] “Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”The greenskeeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

Question answer

Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?So that they can pack the defence! Where do old bowling balls end up?In the gutter! Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?Player: I finished it in three days! What part of a football pitch smells nicest?The scenter spot!

Why Sports Scholarship is an Oxymoron

“You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle” — Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

“That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.” — Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

“You guys line up alphabetically by height” — Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

“I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.” — Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

“I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to andfrom class” — George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

“Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.” — Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

“I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.” — Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

“The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That’s why nobody goes to see the game anymore.” — Yogi Berra

“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” — Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” — Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

Cowley car plant

The following instruction recently appeared on the notice board of a large car
factory in Cowley:
ALL APPICATIONS FOR LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR FAMILY BEREAVE MENTS, SICKNESS, JURY
DUTY, ETC., MUST BE HANDED IN TO THE PERSONNEL MANAGER NO LATER THAN 6 P.M. ON
THE DAY PRECEDING THE MATCH.