What did they call Dracula when he won the league?The champire! Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?Paul gas coin! Manager: I’ll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year’s time?Young player: OK, I’ll come back in a year’s time!Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?Captain: Well, it could have been worse.Manager: How?Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!
Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked, “What’s your handicap?”
“Oh, I’m a scratch golfer,” the other replied.
“Really!” exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.
“Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!
There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday, it didn’t
matter what kind of weather it was he was hooked on a round of golf. One
Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so
bitter cold that he decided he wouldn’t golf that day and went back home.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took of his clothes and
snuggled up to his wife’s backside and said “Terrible weather out there.”
She replied, “Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing?”
There were three guys sitting behind three nuns at a football game. The men
decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move. So the first guy says to
the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear), “I think I want to move to
California, there are only 100 Catholics living there.”
The second guy speaks up and says, “I want to move to Washington, there are
only 50 Catholics living there.” The third guy speaks up and says, “I want to
move to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there.”
One of the nuns turns around, looks the third guy in the eye and calmly says,
“Why don’t you go to hell? There aren’t any Catholics there.”
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.”
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” (1996)
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” and “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: “I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”
Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Pantheon during his visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to.”
Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.”
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record in 1992: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.”
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: “He wants Texas back.” (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: “One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?” (1966)
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team’s co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: “I’m going to send the injured co-captain out for the toss next time too.” (1981)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.” (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating.” (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: “It’s basically the same, just darker.” (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: “I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.” (1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.'” (1991)
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, responded “Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.”
The Star: Eddie Gaedel, a 3’7″ midget.
The Headline: “Small Man in Big Leagues: A Veeck Stunt.”
What Happened: It was a Sunday doubleheader with the Detroit Tigers on
August 19, 1951, and the St. Louis Browns were celebrating the 50th
anniversary of the American League. Between games, Brown owner Bill Veeck
wheeled a huge cake out onto the field, and out popped Eddie Gaedel,
wearing a Browns uniform with the number 1/8 on it. During the first
inning of the next game, Gaedel popped out of the dugout and informed the
umpire he was pitch hitting.
Challenged, Veeck produced a valid contract. Pitching is difficult as it
is, but a 3’7″ person has a strike zone of about 18 inches. Gaedel walked
on four straight pitches. He then left for a pitch runner.
Aftermath: Gaedel made a quick 100 dollars for his appearance, and
American League president Will Harridge issued a solemn declaration
barring midgets from baseball, and warning Veeck not to try any similar
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying
the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all
day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.
He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m
going to go drown myself in that lake.”
The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head
down that long.”
The next time you complain about that tricky water hole on your favorite golf course, just be glad it isn’t filled with crocodiles. According to the April issue of Men’s Health magazine, here are the 10 most dangerous golf courses around the world:
Lost City Golf Course, Sun City, South Africa: The 13th green is fronted by a stone pit filled with crocodiles, some stretching up to 15 feet long.
Elephant Hills Country Club, Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe: The fairways are sometimes marked by craters caused by mortar shells fired across the Zambezi River.
Compton Par-3 Golf Course, Compton, California: If you like high caliber excitement, this is your place. Home to Crips versus Bloods, Ryder Cup-style competition.
Machrie Hotel Golf Course, Islay, Scotland: On this old-fashioned, lay of the land links, virtually every drive and approach is blind, played over huge sand dunes. Incoming!
Scholl Canyon Golf Course, Glendale, California: Built on a landfill, it ran into difficulties when golfers snagged clubs on buried tires and methane gas rose up from the divots. They now pump the gas to the local power company.
Pelham Bay and Split Rock golf courses, Bronx, New York: Pelham’s remote location makes it ideal for dumping unfortunate souls. In a recent 10-year period, 13 bodies were said to have been found.
Singapore Island Country Club, Singapore: In the 1982 Singapore Open, pro Jim Stewart encountered a 10-foot cobra. He killed it, only to watch in horror as another emerged from its mouth.
Beachwood Golf Course, Natal, South Africa: Mrs. Molly Whitaker successfully executed a bunker shot here a few years back, but was then attacked by a monkey who leaped from the bush and tried to strangle her. An alert caddie dispatched the ape.
Plantation Golf and Country Club, Gretna, Louisiana: With 18 holes shoved into 61 acres (less than half the norm) players must huddle against protective fencing while awaiting their turn.
Lundin Links, Fife, Scotland: Enjoyable links near St. Andrews, unless you’re Harold Wallace, who in 1950 was hit by a train while crossing the tracks beyond the fifth green.
Q: What do you call parachuting lawyers?
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft’s all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a
lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I’ve got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.