A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!”The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.” [dramatic pause] “Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”The greenskeeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”
Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?So that they can pack the defence! Where do old bowling balls end up?In the gutter! Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?Player: I finished it in three days! What part of a football pitch smells nicest?The scenter spot!
“You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle” — Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
“That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.” — Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
“You guys line up alphabetically by height” — Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
“I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.” — Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements
“I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to andfrom class” — George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
“Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.” — Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King
“I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.” — Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece
“The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That’s why nobody goes to see the game anymore.” — Yogi Berra
“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” — Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” — Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
The following instruction recently appeared on the notice board of a large car
factory in Cowley:
ALL APPICATIONS FOR LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR FAMILY BEREAVE MENTS, SICKNESS, JURY
DUTY, ETC., MUST BE HANDED IN TO THE PERSONNEL MANAGER NO LATER THAN 6 P.M. ON
THE DAY PRECEDING THE MATCH.
Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend – “Hey, why don’t you try this ball.” He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.
“Use this one – You can’t lose it!”
His friend replies, “What do you mean you can’t lose it?!!”
The first man replies, “I’m serious, you can’t lose it.
If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.”
Obviously, his friend doesn’t believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, “Wow! That’s incredible! Where did you get that ball?”
The man replies, “I found it.”
(Think about it… it’ll come to you 🙂
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
A.Why are black people so good at basketball?
Q.Because they can Steal,shoot,and run.
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?He was the skipper! How do hens encourage their football teams?They egg them on!
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help, I’m a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d just allow me!”, she told him earnestly.
“Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be alright. I’ll be fine in a few minutes”, he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to “ease his pain”. She began
to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, “Does that feel better?”
The man looked up at her and replied, “Yes, that feels pretty good… but my thumb still hurts like hell!”
Jesus, Moses and Elijah were feeling good one day so they decided to go
Jesus being Jesus always gets to tee off first. They get to the 7th
hole, which is a long par 5 with a creek running across it at about 240 yards.
Jesus gets up to tee off and selects his driver. Moses asks Jesus if he is going
to try to drive across the creek and Jesus says that he is feeling so good that
he thinks he can make it. So Jesus tees off and it is a long drive but it lands
in the middle of the creek. Jesus asks Moses to part the water of the creek so
he can retrieve his ball saying, “You know how much I hate to lose a ball.” So
Moses parts the waters of the creek and the ball is retrieved. Jesus tees it up
again and because he is Jesus he gets unlimited mulligans. Jesus
says he is going to try to drive the creek again. Moses
responds, “Ok, but I am not going to help you get it back again!” Jesus hits
tee shot again and sure enough kerr plop it lands in the creek again. So he goes
down and is walking on the water looking for his ball.
Meanwhile back at the tee the following foursome has reached the tee.
One of the golfers says to Moses, “Look at that guy walking on the water. Who
does he think he is? Jesus Christ?”
Moses responds, “No, he thinks he is Tiger Woods.”