Category Archives: the battle of the sexes

Upgrading Boyfriend 5.0

Dear Tech Support:Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!Sincerely, XXXDear XXX:This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this.Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.In desperation to play some of their “old time” favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support.” You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command “C: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME”. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.TECH TIP!Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C: I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot accept new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Keep the motor running

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”He answered ” You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said “You really are amazing. How do you do it?”He again said “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.” The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said “You must be quite a man.”He responded “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil in that old motor, this one’s black.”

Smokin’

Knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband’s smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both see on TV called “Cold Turkey”. After about a week, I asked her how it was going. “Well, not too bad.” she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. “I’ve gotten him down to about a pack a night now.” submitted by: Lisa

Old man haunting

A couple had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night, there would be screams and shouts from their house.

The old man often screamed these words at her in public, “I’m sick and tired of you! When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you!”

The old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances in the neighborhood of cats, dogs and people were blamed on him.

At the age of 80 the old guy died, and his wife put him in a casket. Later that night, she went to a bar and partied as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor asked her, “Aren’t you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?”

The old lady calmly replied, “Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket in the other way around.”

Under the Pillow

There was this guy who was on airplane, he had to go to the bathroom really bad.. Well everytime he would go to the bathroom someone was always in it.So he finally asked the flight attendant if he could use the ladies room.

She said, well sir I’m not sure if that would be a good idea,you see there are buttons in there.

He says ,Oh please please I really have to go and I promise I won’t push any buttons.

So she tells him go ahead,just don’t push any buttons. So he goes in there he’s sitting on the toilet doing his duty. Well he looks over and sees three buttons. One is yellow,one is red and one is green. He pushes the yellow button and out comes water and sprays his behind. He thinks “wow that felt good, I’ll press the red button”.So he pushes the red button and out comes a powder puff and dries him off and powders him.So then he pushes the green button.. He passes out and wakes up in hospital.
He looks up at the flight attendant and she says “you pushed the green button didn’t you?”

He knods.. He said “What happened?” She said “The green button was an Automatic Tampon Remover,your dick is laying under your pillow”

Boxing Day (day after Christmas)

A husband and wife are sitting at the kitchen table making their Chrstmas List. They finish and the husband goes to work and the wife decides to go shopping.The next day the grocery boy comes to the door and the wife says “Here is you Christmas present, Merry Christmas.” Then the milk man comes to the door and she says the same thing.Then the mail man comes to the door and she says “Why don’t you come in for a little while”So the milk man goes in and the wife goes upstairs. The milk man follows her to the bedroom. She strips off her clothes and lays spread eagle on the bed and says “Well don’t you want to fuck me?” The mail man looks around, takes off his clothes and they start fucking.Well, the husband comes into the room and asks “What the hell are you doing?” and the wife replies “What you told me to do, Fuck the Mail Man.”

Women s lib in Egypt

An archeologist returned to Egypt a few years after WWII ended having been
earlier chased out from the digs by the Nazi Invasion.
Through the local grapevine he contacted his old trusted pre-war guide Ahmed
and arranged to meet him at the crossroads to the digs they used to meet at
before the war.
at the specified date the archeologist waited at the crossroads and viewed his
guide approaching him and as they met and warmly embraced, he exclaimed “Ah –
Ahmed it is wonderful to see you again after all these years. But tell me this,
before the war when we met you would be riding the donkey and your wife would
walk in the dust 20 yards behind you. But today we meet an your wife now rides
the donkey and you walk behind her 20 yards in the dust. What is happening, do
we now have Women s Liberation in Egypt.”
Ahmed sadly shook his head no and replied – “Ah Effendi – we have women s lib
here in Egypt – yes – but this is much, much worse LAND MINES.”