Category Archives: the battle of the sexes

Keep the motor running

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”He answered ” You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said “You really are amazing. How do you do it?”He again said “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.” The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said “You must be quite a man.”He responded “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil in that old motor, this one’s black.”

Smokin’

Knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband’s smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both see on TV called “Cold Turkey”. After about a week, I asked her how it was going. “Well, not too bad.” she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. “I’ve gotten him down to about a pack a night now.” submitted by: Lisa

Old man haunting

A couple had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night, there would be screams and shouts from their house.

The old man often screamed these words at her in public, “I’m sick and tired of you! When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you!”

The old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances in the neighborhood of cats, dogs and people were blamed on him.

At the age of 80 the old guy died, and his wife put him in a casket. Later that night, she went to a bar and partied as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor asked her, “Aren’t you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?”

The old lady calmly replied, “Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket in the other way around.”

Under the Pillow

There was this guy who was on airplane, he had to go to the bathroom really bad.. Well everytime he would go to the bathroom someone was always in it.So he finally asked the flight attendant if he could use the ladies room.

She said, well sir I’m not sure if that would be a good idea,you see there are buttons in there.

He says ,Oh please please I really have to go and I promise I won’t push any buttons.

So she tells him go ahead,just don’t push any buttons. So he goes in there he’s sitting on the toilet doing his duty. Well he looks over and sees three buttons. One is yellow,one is red and one is green. He pushes the yellow button and out comes water and sprays his behind. He thinks “wow that felt good, I’ll press the red button”.So he pushes the red button and out comes a powder puff and dries him off and powders him.So then he pushes the green button.. He passes out and wakes up in hospital.
He looks up at the flight attendant and she says “you pushed the green button didn’t you?”

He knods.. He said “What happened?” She said “The green button was an Automatic Tampon Remover,your dick is laying under your pillow”

Boxing Day (day after Christmas)

A husband and wife are sitting at the kitchen table making their Chrstmas List. They finish and the husband goes to work and the wife decides to go shopping.The next day the grocery boy comes to the door and the wife says “Here is you Christmas present, Merry Christmas.” Then the milk man comes to the door and she says the same thing.Then the mail man comes to the door and she says “Why don’t you come in for a little while”So the milk man goes in and the wife goes upstairs. The milk man follows her to the bedroom. She strips off her clothes and lays spread eagle on the bed and says “Well don’t you want to fuck me?” The mail man looks around, takes off his clothes and they start fucking.Well, the husband comes into the room and asks “What the hell are you doing?” and the wife replies “What you told me to do, Fuck the Mail Man.”

Women s lib in Egypt

An archeologist returned to Egypt a few years after WWII ended having been
earlier chased out from the digs by the Nazi Invasion.
Through the local grapevine he contacted his old trusted pre-war guide Ahmed
and arranged to meet him at the crossroads to the digs they used to meet at
before the war.
at the specified date the archeologist waited at the crossroads and viewed his
guide approaching him and as they met and warmly embraced, he exclaimed “Ah –
Ahmed it is wonderful to see you again after all these years. But tell me this,
before the war when we met you would be riding the donkey and your wife would
walk in the dust 20 yards behind you. But today we meet an your wife now rides
the donkey and you walk behind her 20 yards in the dust. What is happening, do
we now have Women s Liberation in Egypt.”
Ahmed sadly shook his head no and replied – “Ah Effendi – we have women s lib
here in Egypt – yes – but this is much, much worse LAND MINES.”

Vocabulary differences between men and women

THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car’s hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. Male: Playing ball without a cup.COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.BUTT (but) n. Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.” Male: The organ of mooning and farting.COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.TASTE (tayst) v. Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you’re cooking, to make sure it’s good. Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.