THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car’s hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. Male: Playing ball without a cup.COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.BUTT (but) n. Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.” Male: The organ of mooning and farting.COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.TASTE (tayst) v. Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you’re cooking, to make sure it’s good. Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to
on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed
a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, “Sweetheart, let’s do the same thing we did here forty
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he
immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like
Back in the car, the guy says, “Darlin’, you sure never moved like that
forty years ago–or any time since that I can remember!”
The woman says, “Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn’t electrified!”
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.She approached one of the women for an explanation. “This is marvelous,” said the journalist. “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”Replied the Kuwaiti woman: “Land mines”
How do you know when a sorority girl is a nymphomaniac?
She’ll make love the same day she had her hair done.
10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what’s wrong, they say “nothing”.
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Small talk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it’s wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild.
Q: Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility,
decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided
that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college,
would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered
with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce,
he would have to go to school.
He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto
mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to
completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he
took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for
evaluation and awaited his final grade.
When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received.
Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade
Then their was this fellow who loved his wife’s butt so much, that he
was constantly telling her what Beautiful Buns she had.
He would come home from work and compliment her on her Beautiful Buns; as
she was doing the dishes he would expound on the virtues of her Beautiful
Buns; even at church, he would lean over over and whisper to her what he
wanted to do with those Beautiful Buns.
When his birthday arrived, the wife wanted to do something really
special, she decided to have the words “Beautiful Buns” tatooed to her
She went down to the tatoo parlor, but they said it would cost $500. This
being a bit more than he was prepared to spend, she asked what she could
get for $50.
After a bit of discussion they decided that for $50 the guy
would tatoo just a “B” and a “B” on each cheek.
That evening when her husband walked in the door, she immediatly turned
around, dropped her pants, and said “Happy Birthday!”
Her husband said “Who the hell is Bob?”
10. Why it’s good to have five pairs of black shoes.9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.8. Crying can be fun.7. FAT CLOTHES. 6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:1. OTHER WOMEN!Send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as friends.
The Lambert’s were shown into the dentist’s office, where Mr. Lambert made it
clear he was in a big hurry. “No fancy stuff, Doctor,” he ordered. “No gas or
needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”
“I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,” said the dentist
admiringly. “Now, which tooth is it?”
Mr. Lambert turned to his wife Jenny: “Show him your tooth, Honey.”