- Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
- Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
- Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
- You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
- Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
- One of life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
- My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
- Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.
- God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
- It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
- I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
- There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
- Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.
- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
- Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
- Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
- Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
- I don’t mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
- Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
- It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
- Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
- Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
- Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson…Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars .. but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
1. You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary”
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
(but probably wishes he had)
- Every teen-ager should get a high school education — even if they already know everything
- Somethings that cost $5 to buy several years ago now costs $10 just to repair
- A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can’t spell
- The outcome of the income depends on the outgo for the upkeep
- Here’s a new invention — a solar-powered clothes dryer. It’s called a clothes line
- Leaders go down in history — some farther down than others
- Any man who laughs at women’s clothes has never paid the bill for them
- Four-word story of failure: Hired, tired, mired, fired
- For every judge operating in an official capacity, there are 100 who are self-appointed
- It is when we forget ourselves that we do things that are most likely to be remembered
- The more you know, the more you know you ought to know
- The argument you just won with your spouse isn’t over yet
- The law of gravitation is the only law that everybody observes
16. The Gilbert Gottfried Vibrating Showerhead
15. The Whoopsie Brothers’ “WidowMaker” Nonlocking Stepladder
14. Black and Decker Nipple Sanders
13. Lee Press-On Nails
12. Approximo Knives
11. The Black and Decker Power Router with Home Circumcision Attachment
10. “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Asbestos!”
9. The Limb-Mangler 6500 Wood Chipper (“Bucket O’ Coagulant” and “Man, That’s Gotta Hurt! Tourniquet” sold separately)
8. Bob Villa’s “Lovemaking, Sensitive Man Style” Video
7. Emo Phillips Head Screwdriver
6. Swiss Army Demitasse Spoon
5. Nine Inch Tacks
4. Monkey Wenches
3. “Crackle” buttcrack spackle – “Keeps the weather out!”
2. Tommy Lee Foot-Long Tape Measure
1. The “Make Your Own Fertilizer!” Kit
- Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
- How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
- If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes?
- Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?
- Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
- Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
- Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to “CURE” it?
- Why do we wash BATH TOWELS–aren’t we clean when we use them?
- Why doesn’t GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle?
- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
- What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
- If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
- What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
- Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
- Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- Never trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
- Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen’s character on “The West Wing.”8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is “That Bob Vila guy.”7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, “The state or the DC thingie?”4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, “You wanna wrestle?!?”3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, “I win!”1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.
1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes.7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you’d imagine would remain in him or her.9. Super glue is forever.10. McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.13. VCR’s do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.17. It will however make cats dizzy.18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate —————————————— 1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ‘May I borrow a highlighter?’ 2. Say, ‘Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.’ 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say, ‘Damn, this water’s cold.’ 5. Drop a marble and say, ‘Oh shit! My glass eye!’ 6. Say, ‘Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.’ 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, ‘Now how did that get there?’ 9. Say, ‘Humus. Reminds me of humus.’ 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, ‘Whoa! Easy boy!’ 11. Say, ‘Interesting… more floaters than sinkers.’ 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, ‘Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?’ 13. Say, ‘C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me.’ 14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast. 15. Say, ‘Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.’ 16. Say, ‘Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?’ 17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your ‘Cross-Dressers Anonymous’ newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ‘Peek-a-boo!’ 20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ‘Born Free’.
- Man who keep feet firmly on the ground have trouble putting on pants.
- If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
- Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
- He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
- Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.
- Couple on seven-day honeymoon make whole week.
- Girl who sit on jockey’s lap get hot tip.
- Girl who sit on judge’s lap get honorable discharge.
- Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.
- Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy — feeling nuts.
- Squirrel who run up woman’s leg not find nuts.
- He who run behind bus get exhausted.
- Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
- He who fish in other’s hole often catch crabs.