Category Archives: travel / vacation

Speeding

The cop got out of his car and went over to the other vehicle.

The kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.

The kid replied, “Yeah, well… I got here as fast as I could!”

Aviation Guide

Takeoff’s are optional. Landings are mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back — then they get bigger again)

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

It’s better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

It’s best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

Every one already knows the definition of a ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a ‘great’ landing. It’s one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.

You know you’ve landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down – all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can’t really fly – they’re just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain …. but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

It’s easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

Remember, you’re always a student in an airplane.

Keep looking around; there’s always something you’ve missed.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses — the best you can hope for is a draw!

You start out flying with a bag of luck and a bag of experience, the trick is to get your bag of experience full before your bag of luck is empty.

Dramamines & condoms

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend.

The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise.

The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, “Great, I’ll take it!”! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.

The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, “Look, I’m not trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?”

Rectum Stretcher

Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.

Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed “I can’t break this! I need exact change.”

“Come on buddy.” Jack pleaded, “Can’t you give me a break, just this once?”

“Nope. Sorry. Exact change!” Answered the collector.

“While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, “Do you really like this job?”

“Well it’s not the best job that I’ve ever had, but it pays the bills,” replied the collector. “what do you do for a living?” he asked.

Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, “I’m a rectum stretcher.”

“A what?” asked the collector.

“A rectum stretcher.” Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.

“What does a rectum stretcher do?” The collector asked.

“Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums.” Jack explained setting aside a nickle.

“Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?” The collector asked.

“Oh you’d be surprised. It’s real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It’s the new trend.” Jack said.

Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, “Well if you don’t mind me asking, I mean if it’s not too personal, how big do you, well you know…?”

“How big do I stretch them?” Jack interupted. “Most of them, not too big,” He continued, “but I have stretched some up to six feet.”

“SIX FEET!” The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. “Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?”

Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, “Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls.”

Beckham

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears to be in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watching her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups.

As the horse gallops along David’s head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!

Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.

Edited by Yisman

Nervous old lady

A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically put his arm out of the window.

Well she couldn’t stand it any longer, so she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered in his ear.

“Young man, you keep both hands on the wheel….. I’ll tell you when its raining!”

The Fastest Camel

A man had traveled into town after several weeks in the desert with his trusty camel. The camel had been his sole companion for years but eventually, time had slowed the poor beast down.

The man was considering getting a new camel when he saw a sign outside of a store advertising the following:

WE MAKE YOUR CAMELS TRAVEL FASTER. GUARANTEED OR YOUR MONEY BACK!

The man looks at his camel and decides to give it a shot. He goes in the store with his camel and the vendor asks him,” What can I do for you?”.

“Well, sir,” the man replies, ” I noticed your sign and I’m interested in your help. You see my camel’s been slowing down a bit and I don’t really want to trade him in for a new one.”

The vendor says, “That won’t be necessary here. We make your camels run faster. It’s guaranteed.”

“O.K. Let’s do it.”

The vendor says,” Please pull your camel over this way onto the platform.”

While the man is steadying his camel onto the platform, the vendor disappears into another room and returns with two large bricks.

“Stand back,” he cautions the traveler.

The vendor goes behind the camel with bricks in hand, and smashes the camel’s balls.

The camel runs out of the place like a bat out of hell.

“Wow!,” said the man,”That’s the fastest I’ve seen him run in years! But how am I going to reach him now?”

The vendor says with a smile,”Please step onto the platform, sir.”

Three men and a group of canibals

There was a French man, a German man and an American man. They
were all travelling together on a far off island looking for
treasure. They soon ran into a group of canibals who wished to
eat them. The leader spoke up and said:

“Here, you may kill yourselves with a weapon of your choice,
then we shall eat you and save your skins to make our canoes.”

The French man said “Here’s to all the wine in Bordeaux, from my
wonderful country,” then he shot himself in the head.

The German man said “Here’s to all the beautiful women in my
beloved country,” then he stabed himself through the heart.

The American said “Here’s so that you can’t make me into a
canoe,” then he stabbed himself several times all over his body
with a fork.