Chelsea’s Letter Home

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been six months since I left for college. I’m sorry I
haven’t written more often and I’m very sorry for my
unthoughtfulness. I’m sure you have been worried about me.

Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit
down Ok? Don’t read any further unless you’re sitting down.

Ok? Good.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory
when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much
healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always
said the girls in our family heal fast.

In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get
headaches three times a day now.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were
witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911.
He’s so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I
had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind
enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It’s really
a basement room, but it’s kind of cute.

He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen
deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven’t set
the exact date yet, but I’m sure that it will be before I start
to show. That’s right, Mom and Dad, I’m pregnant! I know how
much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know
that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender
care you gave me when I was growing up.

We would get married now, but we both failed our premarital
blood tests because of some minor infection. He told me about it
beforehand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to
worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections
should clear it up by next month.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He
is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious — just
like Dad!

Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I
know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you
won’t mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I’m
sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good
too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his
native African village. That’s an important government position
where he comes from. Well, I guess that’s all! Now you know why
I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.

Now that I’ve brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you
know there was no dormitory fire, I didn’t suffer a concussion
or a skull fracture, I wasn’t in the hospital, I’m not pregnant,
I’m not engaged, I don’t have syphilis and there is no boyfriend
of another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for
Gov. Bush, and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper

Your loving daughter,


P.S. Stanford is great… I love it, though I miss you both
terribly…and Socks, too!

P.P.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica and the others.