First Date

my friends first date true story he told me

6:00 pm
arrives at girls house
is told she is getting ready
father stares menacingly from across the den

6:10 pm
father blinks
girl comes down half naked to find bra
father covers boys eyes

6:30 pm
girl is finally ready
get in car
wont start
father gives advise

6:45 pm
car starts
girls sleeping cat dies inside car
car smells

7:00 pm
movie sold out
only movie avaliable: Shallow Hal

7:01 pm
leave in disgust
go out to dinner

7:10 pm
arrive at resterant
no reservation
has to slip waiter $100 to get table

7:15 pm
asks to go to bathroom

7:20 pm
goes in stall
glasses fall in toilet

7:25 pm
realizes glasses fell in toilet after taking a dump
must reach in to get glass

7:26 pm
faucet is broken
no towels must use tp
leaves white stuff on lenses and hands

7:45 pm
returns red-faced from all the cleaning
girl stares at him weird
said she ordered for them both

8:45 pm
food arrives

8:46 pm
takes first bite
finds it tasty

8:47 pm
asks what it is

8:48 pm
in the bathroom again

9:00 pm
finally nothing left in his stomach
returns to table

9:01 pm
girl says she didn’t know he was alergic to oysters
asks to go dancing
boy can’t dance but says yes

9:15 pm
returns to table with swollen feet
asks waiter for the strongest drink in the house
they bring him tap water
tounge is so numb from throwing up he can’t tell the difference

9:20 pm
bill arrives
girl suggests going dutch
boy refuses as to not look cheep
only has enough to leave a $.01 tip
says to himself the service wasn’t that good anyway

9:25 pm
boy makes mental note to seek medical attention for the black
eye the waiter gave him

9:30 pm
girl suggests going to make-out point
boy happily agrees

9:40 pm
arrives at make-out point

9:41 pm
sees girls parents in the next car

9:42 pm
moves to other side of the point

9:45 pm
heavy making out

9:46 pm
hears a knock on car window
rolls down window
girls father asks for a condom
boy floors it
father still walks with a limp

10:00 pm
arrives back at girls house
boy makes move to kiss girl
dad turns out light
girl yells “thanks dad now we can be really uninhibited”
light comes back on

10:05 pm
attempt at goodnight kiss
boy misses and falls onto girl, face on chest

10:06 pm
boy makes mental note to seek medical attention for stinging

10:10 pm
gets into car
car won’t start
dad comes out with a baseball bat
steps up to side of car
car starts
boy floors it
dad walks with a limp in the other leg too

11:20 pm
arrives at home
boys dad asked how the date went
boy crys

11:21 pm
father wonders if boy is gay