Mother’s Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going
to let de children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order
dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate
the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful
even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.

Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time
you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling
it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles
so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not
upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman
jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she
begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a
sponge.”