Yo mama so fat she steped on a dollar and made change
Q: What do women and airplanes have in common?
A: A cockpit!
Un tipo lleg al trabajo todo desanimado, casi arrastr ndose y con cara de preocupaci n. Como era un buen empleado, el jefe lo llam y le aconsej :
” Por qu no haces como yo? Cuando estoy deprimido como t , me voy a casa, tomo una buena ducha, le hago el amor a mi mujer y de inmediato me siento como nuevo”.
El tipo sali dispuesto a seguir el consejo del jefe. Al final de la tarde volvi muy animado.
” Qu tal? Funciona, no?”, le pregunt el jefe.
” Vaya que s ! Estoy totalmente recuperado! Su esposa es una maravilla!”
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!”After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!”And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.The Japanese exclaimed, “Wah… so expensive!”There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!”
How to cook a Turkey…
– Go buy a turkey
– Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
– Put turkey in the oven
– Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
– Set the degree at 375 ovens
– Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
– Turn oven the on
– Take 4 whisks of drinky
– Turk the bastey
– Whiskey another bottle of get
– Stick a turkey in the thermometer
– Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
– Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
– Take the oven out of the turkey
– Take the oven out of the turkey
– Floor the turkey up off of the pick
– Turk the carvey
– Get yourself another scottle of botch
– Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
– Bless the saying, pass and eat out
A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets that he has no jobs worthy of her skills. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.
The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the “Tickle Me Elmo” assembly line. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there’s a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The “Tickle Me Elmo” Assembly Line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to Kingdom Come. Right at the end of the line is the woman he had hired. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically and finally after several minutes of rolling laughter he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: “I’m sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.”
How did Bill Clinton get the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the National
Security Council to agree to bomb the Sudan and Afgahnistan?
He called them all together, stood in front of them and said, “If you do
not agree with me, just open your mouth.”
Q. What is Michael Jackson’s bedtime?
A. 6:33 PM… Right when the big hand touches the little hand.
The Star: Eddie Gaedel, a 3’7″ midget.
The Headline: “Small Man in Big Leagues: A Veeck Stunt.”
What Happened: It was a Sunday doubleheader with the Detroit Tigers on
August 19, 1951, and the St. Louis Browns were celebrating the 50th
anniversary of the American League. Between games, Brown owner Bill Veeck
wheeled a huge cake out onto the field, and out popped Eddie Gaedel,
wearing a Browns uniform with the number 1/8 on it. During the first
inning of the next game, Gaedel popped out of the dugout and informed the
umpire he was pitch hitting.
Challenged, Veeck produced a valid contract. Pitching is difficult as it
is, but a 3’7″ person has a strike zone of about 18 inches. Gaedel walked
on four straight pitches. He then left for a pitch runner.
Aftermath: Gaedel made a quick 100 dollars for his appearance, and
American League president Will Harridge issued a solemn declaration
barring midgets from baseball, and warning Veeck not to try any similar
A man had recently gone through a messy divorce to his wife of 10 years. Part of the settlement was that for every dollar he made, she would get 2/3 of it. If he made $300, she would get $200 and he would get $100. So, she would always get twice as much as he did.One day on a jog, he found a corked bottle lying on the ground, and of course, when he rubbed on it to try to clean it off, a genie came out.’You know the drill,’ said the genie. ‘You get three wishes, but be aware that for everything you wish for, you ex-wife gets twice as much. That was in your settlement and I am obligated to stick to that.”Yea, OK,’ said the man. ‘For my first wish, I want a million dollars.”Done,’ said the genie. ‘But now your wife has 2 million.”I know, I know…’ said the man. ‘Now I wish for a mansion and a matching sports car in the garage.”Done,’ said the genie. ‘But now your wife has a mansion twice your size and two matching sports cars in the garage.”I know, I know…’ said the man. ‘Now, for my last wish, I want you to beat me half to death.’