It Hurts!

The silver haired lady confronted her doctor with a
Complaint of pains all over her body.

“Be more precise,” he said. “So I can help you, try pointing to some of the
places that hurt.

The silver-haired doll put her finger on her arm and said, “Ouch!” then her
finger to her hip and said, “Ouch!” and then to her rib cage and said, “Ouch!”

The doctor stopped her and asked, “Were you a blonde before your hair grayed”?

“Why yes!” she said excitedly, “But how did you know?”

The Doc answered, “Your fingers broken.”

When Chelsea Clinton was young she walked…

When Chelsea Clinton was young she walked in on her mom getting out of the
shower. Pointing to her chest she asked her “What are those?”

Hiliary’s response was “Oh honey, those are my breasts.”

Chelsea asked “Will I get breasts?”

“Yes, when you’re older.” said Hillary.

A day or two later Chelsea walked in on her dad getting out of the shower.
Pointing towards his penis, she asked “What’s that?”

Bill responded “Oh honey, that’s my penis.”

Chelsea asked “Will I get a penis?”

Bill responded, “Yes, when your mother leaves.”

Tuns of Puns! Part V

What’s the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids won’t eat broccoli.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.

What’s the difference between the capital of Russia and a calf’s mother?
One is Moscow, the other is cow’s ma.

Where did the vegetables go to get drunk?
The Salad Bar.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.

Where does a one-armed man shop?
At a second hand store.

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!!

Which of these things don’t belong: A tuna, a lobster, or a Chinese guy run over by a truck?
The tuna. The other two are crustaceans.

Who delivers puppies when the Vet isn’t available?
The mid woof.

Why can’t a woman ask her brother for help?
Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too.

Why did the big moron fall off the roof and the little moron didn’t?
Because he was a little more on.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the opossum it could be done.

Christmas Raffle

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub, a week before Xmas, enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided to get in on the Xmas raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize – a whole year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month’s supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize – a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

“Great,” said Tom. “I love spaghetti.”

“So do I,” said Dick. “And how’s the toilet brush, Harry?”

“Not so good,” Harry said, “I reckon I’ll go back to paper…”

Poopy poop poo

how do you know if you know if your best
friend is jo!!!!!!!!
when you walk out the door of your traler

and he is there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Half A Job

“This little computer,” said the sales clerk, “will do half of
your job for you.”

Studying the machine, the senior VP said, “Fine, I’ll take two.”