2 drunks bar hopping

Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.

They only had a dollar in change between them. “I’ve got it, follow me.” said the first man.

They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. “We’ll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I’ll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off.”

The second man agrees to this and they start thier rounds.

When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.

The bartender tells them, “That will be 3 dollars.”

The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.

“You faggots!”, screams the bartender. “Get the hell out of here!”

They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees.

The bartender throws them out.

After the sixth bar the second man complains, “Man this isn’t working out so well, My knees are killing me!”

“You think you’ve had it bad..”, the first man exclaims. “I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!”

Amazing Anagrams

An Anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the
letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite
astounding (although I think someone has too much spare time on their
hands).

Amazing anagrams:

Dormitory == Dirty Room
Evangelist == Evil’s Agent
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in ’em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z’s
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point == I’m a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it

The next two are truely really amazing. This well known phrase from Hamlet
by Shakespeare:

“To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the
mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.”

becomes:

“In one of the Bard’s best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.”

This phrase from more recent history (including the name of the man
who uttered it):

“That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.”
– Neil A. Armstrong

becomes:

“A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon!
On to Mars!”

En esta poca se habla

En esta poca se habla mucho de la paz y de los procesos que muy posiblemente producir n resultados para alcanzarla. Por eso, ahora, es importante conocer el glosario de la paz.

La paloma: Es el p jaro de la paz.

La mujer: Es la paz del p jaro.

El soltero: No deja el p jaro en paz.

La soltera: Conoce el p jaro, pero no la paz.

La divorciada: Perdi la paz y el p jaro.

La casada: Tiene seguro el p jaro y la paz.

El viejo: Tiene el p jaro en paz.

La vieja: Deber a estar en paz pero siempre est pensando en el p jaro.

El maric n: Quiere la paz por delante y el p jaro por detr s.

Vampires

There were these two vampires talking. One says to the other, “I heard on TV that wine is good for the health.” The other one said, “Well, let’s go to Italy, then. The Italians drink lots of wine.” So they go to Italy, stand on the bridge and wait. A woman walks by, the vampires kill her, drink her blood and throw the body over the bridge. A few minutes later, a man walks by. They kill him, drink his blood and throw his body over the bridge. Then another man comes along, and they kill him too. Just as they were about to throw the body over the bridge, they hear a voice singing. The two vampires look down to see an alligator under the bridge, singing, “Drained wops keep falling on my head…”

Dangerous Golf Courses

The next time you complain about that tricky water hole on your favorite golf course, just be glad it isn’t filled with crocodiles. According to the April issue of Men’s Health magazine, here are the 10 most dangerous golf courses around the world:

Lost City Golf Course, Sun City, South Africa: The 13th green is fronted by a stone pit filled with crocodiles, some stretching up to 15 feet long.

Elephant Hills Country Club, Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe: The fairways are sometimes marked by craters caused by mortar shells fired across the Zambezi River.

Compton Par-3 Golf Course, Compton, California: If you like high caliber excitement, this is your place. Home to Crips versus Bloods, Ryder Cup-style competition.

Machrie Hotel Golf Course, Islay, Scotland: On this old-fashioned, lay of the land links, virtually every drive and approach is blind, played over huge sand dunes. Incoming!

Scholl Canyon Golf Course, Glendale, California: Built on a landfill, it ran into difficulties when golfers snagged clubs on buried tires and methane gas rose up from the divots. They now pump the gas to the local power company.

Pelham Bay and Split Rock golf courses, Bronx, New York: Pelham’s remote location makes it ideal for dumping unfortunate souls. In a recent 10-year period, 13 bodies were said to have been found.

Singapore Island Country Club, Singapore: In the 1982 Singapore Open, pro Jim Stewart encountered a 10-foot cobra. He killed it, only to watch in horror as another emerged from its mouth.

Beachwood Golf Course, Natal, South Africa: Mrs. Molly Whitaker successfully executed a bunker shot here a few years back, but was then attacked by a monkey who leaped from the bush and tried to strangle her. An alert caddie dispatched the ape.

Plantation Golf and Country Club, Gretna, Louisiana: With 18 holes shoved into 61 acres (less than half the norm) players must huddle against protective fencing while awaiting their turn.

Lundin Links, Fife, Scotland: Enjoyable links near St. Andrews, unless you’re Harold Wallace, who in 1950 was hit by a train while crossing the tracks beyond the fifth green.

Top ten signs that you are too drunk

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.6. You can focus better with one eye closed.5. You fall off the floor.5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.4. You haven’t had a driver’s license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.3. Roseanne looks good.2. You don’t recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass. 1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

Gold prospecting

A prospector on his first trip to Alaska met an old miner named Jake at the local saloon and decided to join him on his next trip since he was an old hand at looking for gold in the Yukon. The next day as they were finishing loading the dog sled with supplies the old timer told him to go find a board with a knot hole in it.

The rookie ask why and was told that they would be in the back country a long time and they would not see any women until they returned to town. Well the young prospector thought this was crazy but found a board to appease the old man.

About eight months later the young prospector walked back into town alone. One of the towns people ask him what had happened to old Jake.

” Well”, the young prospector answered, ” I had to kill him.”

“Why on earth did you have to do that for,” ask the townsman.

The prospector looked him in the eye and stated. “Caught him in bed with my BOARD.”