Top 10 Reasons Your Child is too old for Breastfeeding…

Top 10 Reasons Your Child is too old for Breastfeeding

10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to “Dueling Banjos.”
1. Beard abrasions on areola.

3 GUYS DIE

3 Guys die one likes to have mad sex, one likes to eat like
crazy, and the last guy likes to smoke weed. God says that to
teach them a leson about there life he locks them in room with
there favourite things for 100 years each. The guy who likes to
have sex is locked in room with a ton of sexy woman, the fat
eating machine is locked in a room with tons of food, and the
guy who likes to smoke weed is locked in a room with tons of
weed. After 100 years he lets out the guy who like have sex says
“the woman got dry after a while I never ever want to have sex
again”. Then God lets out the guy who eats like a machine when
he let him out he said “I the fatest bastard you’ve ever seen I
never want to eat again”.Then the God lets out the guy the guy
who smokes weed all the time when he came out he was crying he
said “do you have a lighter”.

Una pandilla de violadores se

Una pandilla de violadores se mete a un convento a punta de metralleta.

El jefe de los delincuentes ordena a gritos que se re nan todas las religiosas y vocifera:

“Ahora si, carajo, nos vamos a coger a todas. A todas!”

La superiora sale en defensa de las religiosas diciendo: ” No, eso no Por favor! Nuestras reglas no nos lo permiten!”

“Est bien”; responde el violador, “entonces regresamos la pr xima semana”.

The Perfect man

a woman found a magic lamp and she rubbed it and a genie appeared. He said “i will grant you one wish.” The woman had a map with her and said “i want the war to end in this part of the Middle East, and for it to end in peace.” The genie looked at the woman and said that, that wish was nearly impossible. The genie said to think of another wish. “Well then, can you give me the perfect man??” The genie just looked at her and said “Which part of the Middle East?”

Redneck Poetry

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu”.

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

Defamation of character

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?”
The judge said that was true.

“Does this mean I cannot call a pig, ‘Mrs. Johnson’?” the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig ‘Mrs. Johnson’ with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said…
“Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!”

Cierto joven siempre so con

Cierto joven siempre so con tener una ‘Harley Davidson’. As que un d a, habiendo ahorrado suficiente fue a un ‘dealer’ y compr su moto.

Luego de escogerla, el vendedor le advierte que si la deja afuera mientras llueve, puede oxidarse, as que le recomienda que siempre tenga un frasco de vaselina a la mano, para untarle a la moto.

Unos meses despu s, el joven se enamora de una chica y ella lo invita a cenar en su casa para conocer a sus padres. Cuando el joven llega en su moto, antes de entrar ella le advierte que en su familia hay una vieja tradici n seg n la cual, al primero que hablara despu s de la cena le tocaba lavar los platos.

Despu s de una deliciosa cena, todos contin an sentados, esperando al primero que rompa el silencio, pues nadie quiere lavar.

Pasan 30 largos minutos y el joven, para acelerar un poco las cosas, toma a la novia y la besa enfrente de todos. Nadie dice ni una palabra!

Entonces decide tomar medidas extremas. Toma a su novia, la pone sobre la mesa y tiene sexo con ella… Nadie dice una palabra!

Ahora el hombre est desesperado, as que toma a la suegra, y tiene sexo con ella, de forma a n m s salvaje que con la novia…

Pero nadie dice ni una palabra!

Ahora,el joven est a punto de reventar y no sabe qu hacer, cuando en la distancia oye unos truenos… Su primer pensamiento es proteger la Harley Davidson. As que saca del bolsillo la vaselina…

Entonces el padre dice:

” Est bien, yo lavo, carajo!”