Monica’s Statement is a dandy!

Fresh off of the Associated Press Wire…
AP – Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President
Clinton’s firm denial:
“I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth,
and I can’t stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this
ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.
“This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at
my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will
meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on.
“I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will
ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn’t a finisher, that she quit before
the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am
wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.
“Thank you.”
Monica Lewinsky.

What do you call…

What do you call a man with 10 rabbits up his bum?Warren. What do you call two Canadian lesbians in a canoe?Fur traders. What do you call a lesbian from Alaska?Klondike. What do you call an exhausted bear?Winnie the Pooped! What do you call an independently wealthy woman in Texas?A divorcee. What do you call an intelligent man in the United States?A tourist. What do you call Bob the Mailman after he gets fired?Bob. What do you call boobs on a Girl Scout?Brownie points. What do you call Bob the Mailman after he gets fired?Bob. What do you call boobs on a Girl Scout?Brownie points. What do you call a prostitute who works in Chicago and New York? The tail of two cities. What do you call an Irish homosexual?Gay-lick. What do you call an Italian with an IQ of 180?Sicily. What do you call an obsession with fabric softener?Downey syndrome. What do you call an obsession with goose feathers?Down syndrome. What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand?Trapper John What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby?A girl. What do you call an unbelievable story about a basketball player? A tall tale. What do you call a fish without any eyes?FSH What do you call a bear with no ears?B!

Knock Knock 116

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lime!
Lime who?
Lime bean!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lincoln!
Lincoln who?
Lincoln logs!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lion!
Lion who?
Lion down on the job again!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lionel!
Lionel who?
Lionel bite you if you put your head in its mouth!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lisa!
Lisa who?
Lisa a new car from $199 down and $199 a month!

Aerial Photo Shoot

The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his photographers, “There’s a fire raging out of control west of town, and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don’t worry about the expense.”

So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot, “Let’s go, take off.”

As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him, “See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can.”

Incredulous, the pilot says, “You want me to fly over that fire?”

“Sure!”, the reporter says. “I am a photojournalist and that’s why I am here–to take dramatic shots of the fire!”

The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

The boy on a nude beach.

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The
father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in
the water. He comes running up to his mom and says, “Mommy, I saw
ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!”

The mom says “the bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So he goes
back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says,
“Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy’s!”

Mom says, “the bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So he goes
back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says,
“Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and
the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!”

If Restaurants Functioned

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
Patron: No, it’s still there.
Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try
eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What
kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration
problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to
do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you
noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup
of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.
I’m running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup
and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

Johnny is Drinking Again

An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, “Give me a double Scotch on the rocks.”

“What do you want to do, get me in trouble?” the barmaid asked.

“Maybe later,” the kid said. “Right now, I just want the Scotch.”