It is the Olympic men’s figure skating. Out comes the Russian
competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a
slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without
any great artistic feel for the music.

The Judges’ scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States
5.5: Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and
stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets
the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the
Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses
the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more
satisfying performance.

The Judges’ scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States
5.9: Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old
donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches
the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts
bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips
again. He spends his entire ‘routine’ getting up then falling
over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and
bleeding mess.

The Judges’ scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States
0.0: Ireland 6.0

The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison,
“How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!” To which the Irish
judge replies, “You’ve gotta remember, it’s damn slippery out