AT&T fired president John Walter after nine months, saying he
lacked intellectual leadership.” He received a $26 million
severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that
the man was standing beside them, shouting, “Please come out and
give yourself up!”
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist
and forced him to drive to two different automated teller
machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from
his own bank accounts.
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day
suspension under his elementary school’s drug policy last week
— for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the
mints would make him “jump higher.”
A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days
for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest
Mann reiterated the school’s “zero-tolerance” policy (not to be
confused with the “zero-intelligence” policy).
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze
that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the
homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. “This
is even worse than last year,” said the distraught homeowner,
“when someone broke in and stole my new security system.”
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all
the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small,
so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for
three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who
just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives
asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all
your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “that’s not what I
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye
pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his
Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down
the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was
seen hopping and jumping around,” said police spokesman Mike
Carey, “with an explosion taking place inside his pants.” Police
have the man’s charred trousers in custody.
A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first
child?” the doctor asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted.
“This is her husband!”
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a
thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he
failed to keep his hand in his pocket.