Stupid Criminals

Kentucky:
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a
chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they
pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene
and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine.
With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their
vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina:
A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of
cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was
substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be
arrested immediately.

Indiana:
A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all
the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot,
he fled–leaving his wallet on the counter.

England:
A German “tourist,” supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at
customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf,
the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know
what a “handicap” is. The customs official asks the tourist to
demonstrate his swing, which he does–backward! A substantial
amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Arizona:
A company called “Guns For Hire” stages gunfights for Western
movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old
woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2
years in jail.

Texas:
A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in
damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he
provided the court a check–a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown):
A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery,
and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head–and realized
that he’d forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown):
A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole —
are you ready for this? — the bank’s video camera. While it was
recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was
located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn’t get the videotape of
himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown):
A man successfully broke into a bank’s basement through a
street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the
process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money
from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window
through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty
badly. So he located a phone and dialed “911” for help…

Virginia:
Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a
refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a
refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the
pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain
surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up
*more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into
the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize
that they locked the keys in the truck–so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown):
A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and
asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the
clerk and fled– leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total
amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.