15. “Pool parties” consist of paunchy Billy Idol, Andrew Ridgely and Billy Squier sitting around in Speedos talking about the good ol’ days.
14. Perky? Check. Cute? Check. Named Martha? Check. Can’t sew doilies or make potpourri? Check!
13. At neighborhood watch meetings, never says much of anything besides, “Heh-heh. That would be cool.”
12. Big hair sometimes blocks out the sunlight to his marijuana garden.
11. Those windowsill flower pots look an awful lot like upside-down 80’s Madonna breast cones.
10. Constantly fertilizing the yard in “Cat in the Hat” headgear and “I don’t have a small penis” T-shirt.
9. Actually seems to understand what that Jesse guy is saying.
8. Bumper sticker on his car: “Internet Killed the Video Star”
7. Even though he’s in his forties, every year he and Eddie Money try to drag you down to Mexico for Spring Break.
6. He keeps auditioning to get a part on “Real World Detroit.”
5. Every month, another garage sale with nothing but hundreds of “Aha” albums.
4. Seems overly excited about his latest “gig” as guest celebrity moderator for some lame Internet humor list.
3. Impressive ability to weave old MTV stories into Amway pitch.
2. Knows every video, performer, song, and album title, but can’t remember to call you anything but “Dude.”
1. Sits in front of hit TV, screaming “You call that a !@#$%& *intro*?!!?!!?” at VH-1.